Don't You Just Hate It

Don't you just hate it when clearly defined cardinal rules turn into one jumbled fuck up?
Don't you just cringe when black and white turns into a shit lot of shades of grey?
Doesn't it vex you when nobody really knows the full story but judge you anyway?
Sins of the flesh...they say...
an escape...a torrid torrid love affair...
I think it's worse when you choose the same type of person just a different kind of sin...
Don't you just hate it when you start to empathize with the sins of the father only when
you have dipped you naughty little hand into the cookie jar...
Fuck cookies...they are so scrumptious..so irresistible...
especially when it's your favorite...the dark chocolate chip kind...
Mmmmmh...yum!!!!
But wait...don't you just fucking hate it when a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips...
Shaking my fucking head...how am I going to rationalize this one?
Hmmmm!!!!
"It doesn't have to be complicated, just come over...we play...then you leave."
"I promise, I am not using you...except for sex..."
How am I going to talk myself out of this one?

Days Like This...

Holy Fuck!It's freezing...
I am having a really hard day...
A triggering day...
You know those kinds of days when half of you is at optimum performance
the other completely zoned out...
Today is one of those days if I still smoked ciggys I would be down a pack...
Today is one of those days when my local is calling me by all three names...
Today is one of those days you wonder how life got this fucked up this quickly...
Today is one of those days when I have cried in intervals of 3 minutes
if I let go I wunt stop crying...
Today is one of those days I am surprised I haven't killed over with anxiety
big thanks to movement and meditation...
Days like this test your resilience...
I wonder who's keeping score because I need to tell them that mental illness has won...AGAIN!!!!
Two partners...a year apart..same exact prescription pill overdose...
Mother...six years later...same alcoholic script...same depression cast...exact same outcome...
Me?...trying not to have a nervous breakdown...
Maybe in the end things will play out the way they will play out...
I cannot control the outcome...
Maybe that's what this year should be about...acceptance...
Accepting that outcomes are not mine to control...

You are appreciated

You know sometimes I wonder why mental illness exists. I am not saying that the opposite of lack of mental illness is happiness abound. It's simply a lack of disease.  I am pissed at what mental illness does to people.  It makes them so self centred. It's like they can't see past themselves and glimpse into the pain they cause the people around them. It's hard to see what they go through during an episode but it still doesn't hurt less when their episodes make you feel a typa way.

You try to roll with the punches, you always put yourself second,you are afraid and walking on eggshells..that nagging feeling that there will never be any wins.
You have to be the strong one all of the time. You have to look like you are put together like despite you not having a mental illness you are still battling demons of the mind....

It's hard... I wunt lie...it's hard being the partner,child,parent,sibling,friend, lover of someone with a mental illness. It's fucking hard... I applaud all of you out there... keep on with the good fight... You are appreciated.

Wondering....

As I dull my cigarette on the tray wondering whether it will be my last before I die,
As I take a gulp of my beer wondering if it will choke me to death,
As my negative thoughts pass by like a train that never gets late
will these thoughts be my last before I die?
As I sit here pensively wondering if my anxious heart rate will cause me to have a
cardiac arrest,
As I listen to the animated chatter at the bar
bar wondering if they are actually happy
if every belly full of laughter is real,
Wondering why I can't be as animated...
as joyous,as grateful...
Am I normal?
Do the feelings I feel happen to anyone else?
Do other people question their existence?
Do other people want to take their own life?
Do other people feel sad,feel angry,feel isolated,feel lonely...
lonely and there are so many people around them?
Feel alone and they have jobs,responsibilities,partners,lovers,friends....
Do other people have moments
not forever moments but moments when they feel that this life...this fragile thing we call living doesn't actually matter...
I wonder....

Too many months..

Too many months have gone by
without me being able to write,
So many emotions pass by
without the ability to comprehend
the demons that lurk behind,
Whispers of not good enough...not worth
anybodies time,
Feelings of guilt everytime the toke is blown
out
everytime the liquor burns my throat,
Trying to run as fast as I can from the mind
Will I make it through this time...
the darkness covers me like a cloud of
nothingness
consumes my soul my existence my ability
to function,
I have become a lie told to everyone because I can't get myself to function
To talk,to socialize,to be present..
Too many months have gone by with a
ghost like existence
hoping for me to come home....

Time out...

Sometimes it's ok to give yourself a time out,
Time out from your thoughts,
Time out from humanity,
Time out from loyalty
from love,
Time out from feeling too much,
Time out from yourself
Just a freaking time out from everything,
And when you come back you will have a
new found appreciation for this so called life...
Hopefully...
Maybe...

Straws...

A conflict of the spirit and mind,
A disconnected-ness,
A bitter sweet-ness,
A warped-ness
A war of the insides,
A state of apathy,
A happi-ness,
A sad-ness,
A death of mind and body,
A dark-ness,
A lurking shadow,
A fucked up-ness,
An uncertainty of person,
A clutch at the proverbial straw....