My reality...

The sound of the key unlatch the lock,
Opens up a door,
The darkness leading up the stair well,
Only re-affirms my worst fear,
That dependency is that thief,
Addicted to chaos,
Paralysed by fear and unsurity,
Of what to say,
How to act,
I want to scream until my throat splits and lungs bleed,
But I am muted,
I want to slit my wrists,
But my life is just beginning,
I want to share the good,
The happy,
The goofy,
The gloom though,
It creeps in,
Strips me naked and chuckles,
Chuckles at how helpless I feel,
At how much I can't do anything...control!!!
At how much power it wields,
That deafening sound of hopelessness,
No light at the end of this proverbial tunnel,
Just a tease,
A sliver of what light looks like,
A taste of the positive,
A sip of the good,
A glance at the beautiful,
The hum of a melodious tune,
In a blink of an eye
Robs me,
The sound of the key unlatch the lock,
Opens up a world,
My reality!!!

Kill the Gays

Advocacy by any other definition is making enough noise until somebody begins to listen. The gays in Kenya have been doing just that. Heckling and making muted noise. Somebody has finally listened.
I have been very uneasy for the past few days. That kind of uneasy that you can't quite place your finger on. I last wrote about how the word homosexual is on everyone's wagging tongue.
Any publicity is good publicity...no?

I am beginning to think differently. All the talk of homosexuality especially in Nigeria and Uganda has left some Kenyan MP's feeling some type of way. Kenya is a country of tolerance but I feel like this is soon wearing out and questions are beginning to be asked about where the law stands on the whole homosexual conundrum...big words...haha..

What scares me though is that the law is not clear on the LGBTQI matter. The law as is in the Penal Code s.162 mentions indecent conduct between men, words like gross indecency are used, whether in public or private. This in my opinion is directed toward gay men. But nowhere in the Penal Code mentions the rest of us, that is lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, queer and intersex individuals.

What scares me about the strike that will be held on Monday is that the rest of us will be put in the spot light. I am not sure if this is hypocritical but I am from the school of thought that if it aint broke don't fix it. We have been fine. Creeping through the shadows yet complaining we are not equal to the heterosexuals. Whispering I love you's because shouting too loud will get you lynched. Doing house parties because dancing passionately with the same sex gets you stoned with self righteousness and "African" culture.

All I hope is that Kenyans and their somewhat "liberal" approach to things as compared to our East African brothers. Heck!! we have 'Mr. Liberal' for a President. I hope that this strike will be the beginning of progressive growth toward acceptance and equality.

wrong kinda right

of insensitivity and other things...

I was reading a new paper that has in the recent past hit the Nairobi streets. I do not do gutter press and this is one of those papers I consider gutter. That is my opinion. Anyway that said, I was going through it and stumbled upon an article by one Retrosexual. The first time I read the paper he was bashing the "modern" woman for being the kind of lady who will sleep in and snore with a death like hangover will the man goes out and gets painkillers and what not. That did not bug me because to each his own. I mean if the trash you pick up off the streets does not get up and buy painkillers and an energy drink doesn't mean that all women are like that.

The next time I come across the paper his topic of the day was "single women are bad influence to wives." Of course something like this will definitely interest me, I mean what is this elusive single woman up to now.
As I proceed reading the article I get particularly aggravated by something he writes...

Don't get it twisted, this is by no means a bash blog. He is a fellow writer with good writing skills but a complete lack of sensitivity.

 The paragraph began like this "...there are single women who have decamped to lesbian territory and need recruits. If as a man you don't execute the jembe (hoe) job properly, you risk your spouse being 'hawked' to a stud. Some have been driven to experiment with lesbianism with catastrophic results. Losing your woman to a man is bad enough. But losing her to another woman is positively vulgar..."  

Eeeeeeerm!!!!! Everything about this paragraph pisses me the fuck off. There is no scientific or researched proof that single women decamp to lesbianism. He makes it sound like it is a disease. Forget the homophobic under currents. Last I checked lesbians are human beings too. Not some disgusting creature that single women 'decamp' to with catastrophic results.'

Every writer has freedom to express themselves in whichever way they please but decorum and sensitivity must be observed. Such articles fuel stigma, shame and ostracization of the gay community. There is no problem with experimenting. Sexuality is fluid. Take time to understand what you are writing about before using words like 'hawked' and 'recruits' and 'positively vulgar' to describe fellow human beings just like you.

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in anothers shoes, imagining what it would be like if you are on the other side. This is the fine line between a writer and a great writer. You do not have to agree with it but empathy builds sensitivity to others.

Black valentine...

I cannot look at you across the table,
Stretch out and kiss you for no reason,
I cannot hold your hand,
And skip through the town,
Embrace you,
Show you affection,
I cannot send you twelve red roses,
With my name signed on the card,
I cannot reserve a table for two,
I cannot get lost in your beautiful eyes,
I cannot play footsie,
I cannot caress your cheek,
I cannot love you in public,
After all, it is that bedroom kinda love,
The stench of heterosexual pretense chokes me,
Kill cupid,
Kill her because love is selective,
Love is only for the straights,
Red roses turn to black,
Delight to sorrow,
Love to loathe.

Behind bedroom doors...

I wrote a blog earlier about "something interesting is happening in Africa" and it was about the publicity that the gays are now getting in Africa. Good or bad, any publicity is good publicity. At least that is what I think.
Anyway that said, I was reading an article on Binyavanga Wainaina and the stir that he has caused because people have nothing better to do than rant about him coming out. I noticed something interesting in one of his questions. The notion that "what is bugging you if I am doing things behind my bedroom doors?"

I do not know why, but I have a very big problem with this method of thinking. I think that it is a method of justifying that what we are doing is ok only if it is happening behind closed doors. Heterosexuals are allowed to have public displays of affection but for homosexuals it is wrong and should not be disturbed only if it is happening behind closed doors. There is something very double standard about that method of thinking.

Love is love. Correct me if I am wrong. If you are in love with somebody chances are you will be affectionate in public. Right? Why then would homosexuals in this part of the world be confined to their bedrooms.

The only logic for me is that we are oppressed and the fear of publicly displaying affection could end up underneath a burning tyre with a mob baying for your blood...slightly dramatic but it could happen. It takes me back to my blog about whether I want to stick around and fight for my children's children's gay rights. Or will I flee to a State that allows me to do things outside my bedroom. Hmm!!! I wonder.

Gay and proud pt.2

The room was filled with difference. Beautiful difference. People stole suspicious looks at each other. Almost as if to confirm something. Conversation in the room was at all time high. Excitement and fear saturated the room. We were congregating but not congregating. We were all gays petrified of each other.

The night began on an all time high when two men kissed. It was weird but not weird at the same time. Cheeks turned pink. Faces flushed with blush. Awkward grinning was the only thing I could do to absorb the fact that a man just kissed a man in this extremely homophobic society.

Staceyann Chin was up next. Wow!! the amount of passion she has for her work is inspiring. It is moving. It is the kind of passion that would make you want to stand up and shout at the top of your lungs. I AM GAY...so what!!!!

The room was filled with some type of elated feeling. The kind that makes you all giddy inside. For once you are with your kind and it feels scary. No it feels good. No actually it feels gay and proud. There...I said it...I am gay and proud.

What doesn't kill us makes the resistance stronger,
What doesn't kill us makes the resistance stronger,
What doesn't kill us makes us stroooooonger!!!!!!

Cured Cynic.....

Eeeeeeeeeerm!!! I am a cured cynic. I know that sounds extremely weird but I swear I am cured cynic. This weekend has been extremely unexpected. I attended something called the Landmark Forum and on Friday I remember thinking..."Oh!God I am going for this self help hulla ballo's." Truth be told I only went because I did not want to deal with the shit the friend who invited me would give me if I failed to go.

So I walk in late and there is this tall Australian man with a deep voice talking. Of course I am like, here goes the palaver. Brain washing kind of bullshit, what the hell am I doing here. Truth is, I was at the end of my rope. It was about that time I heard something I do not know because what I knew was not helping me at all.

The forum begins and there I am feeling like a victim of my past. Of course I have shit going on. Absentee father, alcoholic mother, ungrateful friends, conditional family....dang!!that is is some shit right there. Then here is this man telling me that my story is just that a story. What the fuck dude, this bitch right here has some maaaaajor issues....or so I thought....

There is a major difference between what actually happened and how I interpreted the facts of what actually happened. For 23 fucking years I have lived in the dramatic interpretation of my story. In the vicious cycle of constantly complaining and my blog has actually been complaint after complaint after complaint. Fuck! I realised this weekend that all I ever did was complain...I literally have a doctorate in complaining.

That aside I feel like I can finally breathe. I was suffocating in the interpretation of my story and throwing a six year old tantrum. Let me explain this. I learned that my identity as is today is as a result of an interpretation I made of something that happened when I was a child and as a result, all I have been doing since is throwing a tantrum...hahaha...

I appreciate the Landmark Forum because it has given me choice. The choice to be authentic or inauthentic. The choice to be integral or not integral. The choice to say yes or no. Most importantly the refresher button on my life to realize that all this time LIFE WAS IN FACT MEANINGLESS AND I HAVE LIMITLESS POSSIBILITY!!!!!
 

 Stories!! Interpretations!! Rackets!!

 Possibilities!Possibilities!!Possibilities!!!!!