of being labeled and other things...

In 2013, I wrote this blog, http://www.webofbutchdreams.blogspot.com/2013/08/of-identity-and-other-things.html. At the time I only knew like two lesbians at most, I was kinda out, one foot in the closet the other out kinda thing. But one thing I knew for sure is that I really struggled with placing myself in one category/label.

Fast forward to today and I swear I cannot be around my friends and the labeling topic does not come up. It comes up in the most heated of ways, people get so emo and angry about being "labeled". Conclusion always being, can't I be who I am and love who I love without being labeled?

Now, between August of 2013 and today I have really grown. You know that I am gay,so what?..fuck off type of growth..that kind. I am still the same girl who loves me my lipstick and converse but I have a somewhat different approach to this being labeled thing.

I think the problem is not the labeling, I think the problem is looking at things as if they are not connected. For you to be labeled as something there must be an origin. So where did the various labels come from? I think that by the time you look at me and decide that I am butch, femme, androgynous, chapstick, lipstick, stem, stud, pillow princess....yup!!that list is endless...you must using a reference of something you have seen, read or heard.

Let's make this political shall we, when you Google what kind of a lesbian you are, many sites will pop up some even have the pleasure of giving you a quiz..lol!! One thing you need to note, is the source of the answers, the are all Western concepts. Do not confuse this with the bullshit notion that homosexuality is a Western construct, it is the language they use as a culture. The fact that they have this labels means they are actually girls that fall into those categories. We cannot try and act like the things we do, do not have some sort of Western influence (this may piss some people off). So when someone labels you butch for example, they are referring to all the butch women they see on tv/read/heard about and automatically perceive you as butch and subsequently label you as butch...theeeeen you get pissed of that people are "giving you labels." Woooooooow!!!!You very special human being who wants to exist in a space without labels.

The solution for this you ask? If "western" labels are getting your panties in a bunch, how about you create labels that appeal to you and the culture you are from. You can keep on heckling and complaining that you don't do labels but that is one thing that is unavoidable. Labels exist so as to help people identify/relate with each other. A world without labels would be extremely confusing. And here I am not talking only people labels, think about a supermarket filled with products none of them having a single label on...fucking confusing.So instead of fighting and demonizing the label, create one that makes you feel like yourself but that label free thing, that is just a delusion that you need to snap out of.

Let's shift the conversation to labels and presumed roles. Now, here is where the problem checks in. The label is not the problem, the problem is the attached roles these labels come with. They may be gender roles, financial roles, sex play roles etc. For example, I tend to be the more dominant person when it comes to sex. A recent partner decided to label my dominance as being a top and subsequently this meant to her that it is my role as a top to pleasure her and not vice versa because she is a bottom or rather she labels herself a bottom. My problem is not the label bottom, my problem is the assumption that because she is a bottom then she has no role in sexing me. Or because I am butch and my partner is femme for example, then I am expected to hold down all the financial responsibility type of thing.

My argument basically is, we need to stop being angry at labels. We need to be angry at the roles that these labels come with. We need to learn how to separate these two worlds of labels and roles.
These roles are a social construct, made by people like you and me. The very people so vexed by labels are the very same people who live out those roles every single day. The world made these roles, and the world has the responsibility to change it.
We need to be so angry that we begin to REDEFINE and UNPACK these assumed, stereotypical, misconceived, mythical and heteronormative roles.We need to be so angry that life as we know it stops being a fulfillment of "expected roles" but a live and let live...

Don't Forget to Remember...

Don't forget to remember that struggle is temporary,

Don't forget to remember that tears are temporary,

Don't forget to remember that sadness is temporary,

Don't forget to remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel,

Don't forget to remember that it could also be a train coming to hit you,

Don't forget to remember that time heals,

Don't forget to remember that your dreams are valid,

Don't forget to remember that they could be invalid...keep dreaming,

Don't forget to remember that your future self will thank you for the sacrifice,

Don't forget to remember that you are worth it,

Don't forget to remember that you are good enough,

Don't forget to remember that your journey is yours,

Don't forget to remember that comparison is the beginning of the end,

Don't forget to remember that self doubt is crippling,

Don't forget to remember that possibility is yours to create,

Don't forget to remember that you are special just the way you are,

Don't forget to remember that giving up is not an option,

Don't forget to remember that it indeed does get better...

Who is telling our story...

The past weekend had me sitting at the Goethe Institute watching films being screened, created mostly by African film makers, from an event dubbed the OUT Film Festival. You can imagine my excitement seeing as I love films and this once a year event was screening films for people just like me...or so I thought...

By the time the third film was being screened, I began to notice a worrying trend. Where are the lesbian, bisexual and queer women films. The films were...excuse my French...a fucking cock fest. This got me thinking, that is, after I was done being pissed off...who is telling our story?

I casually asked the friend I went for the screening with,"what do you think of the lack of queer women films?" She casually answers, "Gay men struggle more than queer women ever will and so that's why film makers endevour to show the world that gay men are human too..." Eeeeeeeeeeeermmmmm!!!! Of course that answer bothered me to my core. Of course I was jilted by the fact that women who have sex with women are viewed as having it easy. Our struggle, is not a struggle enough. Who the fuck is telling our story?
I do not for one second blame my friend, after all it is a man's world.Gay men still enjoy male privilege.

Even as queer women we have been deluded into believing that to be lesbian, bi or queer is "not that bad." Why though? Is it a silencing mechanism like the way we have been silenced as women over the years. Is the badge of "no struggle" one to look at with pride or are we put in this position because to be a woman who has sex with women not considered real? Is the term "the struggle is not as bad" an indicator that we have won the fight against discrimination and homophobia or is it that women are simply viewed as less of...

Lesbians, bi and queer women, have so many things we struggle with every single day. From violence, to corrective rape, to social conformity to sexual health issues to getting babies by men we have no intention of ever loving to being labelled to being harassed for being queer to generally not being take seriously for being queer. For our struggle to be branded less than automatically means that we will never be given air play. It means that we will never be featured in films because the world views us as sexual objects only good for girl on girl, past that nobody really gives a shit about what we go through;who we are as women.

Why is it that film makers are going out of their way to "normalize"gay? Is their story more interesting? Are they flamboyant and we are boring? Are we victims of a world plagued by patriarchy? For how long will our story be branded as "other" "not that bad" "less struggle". For how long will queer women be silent...silenced!!!!

Who is telling our story?

Just a little madness

without a little madness i

wouldn't be able to feel.

and if i can't feel then i'll 

lose my mind. and if i lose

my mind then i'll lose my words.

this is how i love,madly

enough to lose myself

and feel all the things i

can't put into words.

r.m. drake

Solitude...

Getting out of bed gets really hard sometimes,

Trying to find excitement and inspiration even harder,

I just want to lay in bed all day in foetal position,

And maybe cry a little,

Throw a pity party for myself,

I want to be alone,

Switch off the world for a little while,

Maybe try and get my mojo back,

But for now,

All I crave is solitude,

That elusive solitude where even my mind shuts the fuck up,

The voices in my head,

Hurling insults and negativity,

So much good happening around me but tears flow down my cheeks,

So proud of myself yet so disappointed,

I crave solitude,

Maybe in my solace my demons and I will finally get to a common space...





One day you'll make peace with your demons, and the chaos in your heart will settle flat. and maybe for the first time in your life, life will smile right back at you and welcome you home.
r.m. drake

Sound track of my life

Somewhere between psychotic and iconic
Somewhere between I want it and I got it
Somewhere between I'm sober and I'm lifted
Somewhere between a mistress and commitment

I still been drinking on the low
Mobbin' on the low
Fuckin' on the low
Smokin' on the low
I still been plotting on the low
Scheming on the low
The furthest thing from perfect
Like everyone I know

Furthest Thing-Drake

I am Scared...

Maybe more of terrified,
No let's put it as scared shitless,
The Kenya Anti-Homosexuality Bill is back,
Today at 10:30am a political party brought it up again,
It began last year after the hot mess that was Uganda's Bill
but in the spirit of the selective amnesia that my country gets,
like clock work people forgot about it.
However, it is back.
My friend's reactions were very nonchalant because...selective amnesia,
The queer folk in my country are riding on the notion that the Bill will never
be a law because we forget so easily or better yet we have greater things to worry about
terrorism,poverty et al.
But my good people,
This dyke right here is scared,
I am scared because this is Bill is a message of hate,
It reminds people why gay people should not exist...
after all it is not very christian
It polarizes a space which we are fighting to legitimize,
It brings a feeling of otherness,
A feeling that we are less than human,
Mashoga sisi,
It invalidates progress in the 21st century,
It increases bigotry reduces acceptance,
Before my country men forget there will be a few days of weirdness,
Lack of comfort in your own skin,
Walking down the street feels like a death wish;paranoia abound,
I am going to meet up with a lady lover today,
This is the uneasiest I have been in a while, incessantly insisting that we just meet indoors,
I am scared...
I am scared that this vicious cycle will never end,
That queer and lurking in the shadows will always be synonymous,
I am scared...
that equality is something we queer folk have deluded ourselves into believing will ever exist,
I am scared...
that to love who you love will forever be plagued by religious and cultural bigotry,
I am scared...
that I will never kiss my lady in public,
I am scared...
that being queer will be the death of me
the death of us all...

Dear Diary

I stumbled on my 2013 diary a few minutes ago,
All the entries were filled with confusion, anger, depressed feelings
a general lack of belonging,
The entries were filled with fear of being out and proud,
self doubt and self hatred ruled those entries,
Entries filled with sadness and loneliness
the occasional fuck up of screwing men
just to confirm one last time if I am actually gay...
But my gosh!!how much have I grown,
like wooooooooah!!!
Taking that trip down memory lane only proves one thing
about the coming out process, self acceptance and eventually
being proud of who you are
It indeed does GET BETTER!!!

Lesbian Calendar

So, it began with a simple observation which morphed into a hypothesis and now I believe it should be a full on theory.
I have been observing the lesbian world for the past three years or so. By observing I mean, I have been watching interactions/relationships/hook ups and my own actions when it comes to relations with women. And now I am pretty convinced that there is such a thing or I wish to create the theory that there is a lesbian calendar.

Lesbian Calendar (n) aka my definition

This is the act of meeting a woman and in less than a fraction of a second you are in love or having sex.

Now, let me expound on this a little bit more. The lesbian calendar is not synonymous with infatuation or lust. It is an independent theory that I think lies in the realm of we meet today and tomorrow we are dating, meet today and in the next hour our fingers are shoved inside each others vaginas, meet today and tomorrow you are moving in, meet today and in a year we are getting married. The heterosexual world does not work like that though. There are stupid 90 day rule thingys, wait until the third date to have sex thingy, dress like this for the first date thingy...blah!blah!blah!!! There are bat shit set of rules that they follow or don't or failure to, gets you branded a slut/man whore/gold digger.

That however, does not translate in the lesbian world. I have been in a space where I met two girls who looked all lovey dovey and I ask "Oh!are you two dating?" the answer was "Yes!" naturally proceed to, "For how long?" "Oh!Actually,we met today and she is my girlfriend." "Uuuuuuuuummmmm!!!!!"*insert brow lift*

The above example is not an accurate representation of every gay girl out there, but an extreme example of how zero to sixty we can get. I, have been in situations where I meet a nice girl and in a week it feels like I have known her forever. The amount of shit we have done in that week feels like things that should be spread out in the course of a few months...lol!!! The crazy thing is that I don't view the lesbian calendar as a bad thing. I have just noticed that the order is sex/in love then we will get to know each other as time goes by.

As opposed to, first let me get to know you for a while then figure out if I want to have sex with you and fall in love or just keep it physical and bang each other.

There is also the other end of the spectrum where you have dated for a year but it feels like three, dated for three it feels like six. I have in the recent past broken up with someone and for the life of me it feels like I was with her for five years and we barely made it a year. Again, not at all a bad thing but jeez!!wasup with that though?

I have come up with a couple of answers for this phenomenon, that is, the lesbian calendar: One, women are nesters. Women are biologically emotion filled creatures and once you find someone whose pheromones match yours..lol!pheromones...that connection makes one day feel like a life time together.

Two, supply vs demand, the supply of queer folk to the demand for sex/love/lust is very limited and therefore making the lesbian calendar come alive.

Eeeeermmm!!!This is one of those add on blog because I am officially fascinated by this hypothesis, that zero to a hundred effect. I will keep observing and see what will come up this year...

Watch this space!!!

Excerpt from The Accidental Universe by Alan Lightman

I completely endorse the central doctrine of science. And I do not believe in the existence of a Being who lives beyond matter and energy, even if that Being refrains from entering the fray of the physical world. However, I certainly agree with [scientists who argue] that science is not the only avenue for arriving at knowledge, that there are interesting and vital questions beyond the reach of test tubes and equations. Obviously, vast territories of the arts concern inner experiences that cannot be analyzed by science. The humanities, such as history and philosophy, raise questions that do not have definite or unanimously accepted answers.

[…]
There are things we take on faith, without physical proof and even sometimes without any methodology for proof. We cannot clearly show why the ending of a particular novel haunts us. We cannot prove under what conditions we would sacrifice our own life in order to save the life of our child. We cannot prove whether it is right or wrong to steal in order to feed our family, or even agree on a definition of “right” and “wrong.” We cannot prove the meaning of our life, or whether life has any meaning at all. For these questions, we can gather evidence and debate, but in the end we cannot arrive at any system of analysis akin to the way in which a physicist decides how many seconds it will take a one-foot-long pendulum to make a complete swing. The previous questions are questions of aesthetics, morality, philosophy. These are questions for the arts and the humanities. These are also questions aligned with some of the intangible concerns of traditional religion.

[…]
Faith, in its broadest sense, is about far more than belief in the existence of God or the disregard of scientific evidence. Faith is the willingness to give ourselves over, at times, to things we do not fully understand. Faith is the belief in things larger than ourselves. Faith is the ability to honor stillness at some moments and at others to ride the passion and exuberance that is the artistic impulse, the flight of the imagination, the full engagement with this strange and shimmering world.

2015 Musings

Death a Necessary Evil...

when you lose someone you love,

your life becomes strange,

the ground beneath you becomes fragile,

your thoughts make your eyes unsure;

and some dead echo drags your voice down,

where words have no confidence,

your heart has grown heavy with loss;

and though this loss has wounded others too,

no one knows what has been taken from you,

when the silence of absence deepens.

flickers of guilt kindle regret,

for all that was left unsaid or undone.

there are days when you wake up happy;

again inside the fullness of life,

until the moment breaks,

and you are thrown back,

onto the black tide of loss,

days when you have your heart back,

you are able to function well,

until the middle of work or encounter,

suddenly with no warning,

you are ambushed by grief.

it becomes hard to trust yourself,

all you can depend on now is that,

sorrow will remain faithful to itself,

more than you, it knows its way,

and will find the right time,

to pull and pull the rope of grief,

until that coiled hill of tears

has reduced to its last drop.

gradually, you will learn acquaintance,

with invisible form of your departed;

and when the work of grief is done,

the wound of loss will heal

and you will have learned

to wean your eyes

from that gap in the air,

and be able to enter the hearth

in your soul where your loved one has awaited your return

all the time.

John O'Donohue

 

Stuck on Stupid

Maybe it's you,
Maybe it's me,
Maybe if I write,
I might feel better
or,
Maybe I am just stuck on stupid,
Maybe I am silly,
Maybe slightly delusional,
Stuck on stupid,
Maybe it's your hair,
Or is it that smile,
Or is it your swagged out self I can't get enough of,
My mind at every turn,
Is just stuck,
Stuck on stupid,
Maybe it's the dimensions,
the artsy,instrument playing creative,
the interesting,the sweet,the androgyny,
the mind,the self aware,the dance,the poker,the simple,the complicated
You crept into my mind,
Like that unsuspecting thief in the night,
Maybe that's why I am stuck on stupid,
Stupid!Stupid!Stupid!!!
If I could explain it maybe I would get unstuck,
from the quick sand that is you...