Don't You Just Hate It

Don't you just hate it when clearly defined cardinal rules turn into one jumbled fuck up?
Don't you just cringe when black and white turns into a shit lot of shades of grey?
Doesn't it vex you when nobody really knows the full story but judge you anyway?
Sins of the flesh...they say...
an escape...a torrid torrid love affair...
I think it's worse when you choose the same type of person just a different kind of sin...
Don't you just hate it when you start to empathize with the sins of the father only when
you have dipped you naughty little hand into the cookie jar...
Fuck cookies...they are so scrumptious..so irresistible...
especially when it's your favorite...the dark chocolate chip kind...
Mmmmmh...yum!!!!
But wait...don't you just fucking hate it when a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips...
Shaking my fucking head...how am I going to rationalize this one?
Hmmmm!!!!
"It doesn't have to be complicated, just come over...we play...then you leave."
"I promise, I am not using you...except for sex..."
How am I going to talk myself out of this one?

Days Like This...

Holy Fuck!It's freezing...
I am having a really hard day...
A triggering day...
You know those kinds of days when half of you is at optimum performance
the other completely zoned out...
Today is one of those days if I still smoked ciggys I would be down a pack...
Today is one of those days when my local is calling me by all three names...
Today is one of those days you wonder how life got this fucked up this quickly...
Today is one of those days when I have cried in intervals of 3 minutes
if I let go I wunt stop crying...
Today is one of those days I am surprised I haven't killed over with anxiety
big thanks to movement and meditation...
Days like this test your resilience...
I wonder who's keeping score because I need to tell them that mental illness has won...AGAIN!!!!
Two partners...a year apart..same exact prescription pill overdose...
Mother...six years later...same alcoholic script...same depression cast...exact same outcome...
Me?...trying not to have a nervous breakdown...
Maybe in the end things will play out the way they will play out...
I cannot control the outcome...
Maybe that's what this year should be about...acceptance...
Accepting that outcomes are not mine to control...

You are appreciated

You know sometimes I wonder why mental illness exists. I am not saying that the opposite of lack of mental illness is happiness abound. It's simply a lack of disease.  I am pissed at what mental illness does to people.  It makes them so self centred. It's like they can't see past themselves and glimpse into the pain they cause the people around them. It's hard to see what they go through during an episode but it still doesn't hurt less when their episodes make you feel a typa way.

You try to roll with the punches, you always put yourself second,you are afraid and walking on eggshells..that nagging feeling that there will never be any wins.
You have to be the strong one all of the time. You have to look like you are put together like despite you not having a mental illness you are still battling demons of the mind....

It's hard... I wunt lie...it's hard being the partner,child,parent,sibling,friend, lover of someone with a mental illness. It's fucking hard... I applaud all of you out there... keep on with the good fight... You are appreciated.

Wondering....

As I dull my cigarette on the tray wondering whether it will be my last before I die,
As I take a gulp of my beer wondering if it will choke me to death,
As my negative thoughts pass by like a train that never gets late
will these thoughts be my last before I die?
As I sit here pensively wondering if my anxious heart rate will cause me to have a
cardiac arrest,
As I listen to the animated chatter at the bar
bar wondering if they are actually happy
if every belly full of laughter is real,
Wondering why I can't be as animated...
as joyous,as grateful...
Am I normal?
Do the feelings I feel happen to anyone else?
Do other people question their existence?
Do other people want to take their own life?
Do other people feel sad,feel angry,feel isolated,feel lonely...
lonely and there are so many people around them?
Feel alone and they have jobs,responsibilities,partners,lovers,friends....
Do other people have moments
not forever moments but moments when they feel that this life...this fragile thing we call living doesn't actually matter...
I wonder....

Too many months..

Too many months have gone by
without me being able to write,
So many emotions pass by
without the ability to comprehend
the demons that lurk behind,
Whispers of not good enough...not worth
anybodies time,
Feelings of guilt everytime the toke is blown
out
everytime the liquor burns my throat,
Trying to run as fast as I can from the mind
Will I make it through this time...
the darkness covers me like a cloud of
nothingness
consumes my soul my existence my ability
to function,
I have become a lie told to everyone because I can't get myself to function
To talk,to socialize,to be present..
Too many months have gone by with a
ghost like existence
hoping for me to come home....

Time out...

Sometimes it's ok to give yourself a time out,
Time out from your thoughts,
Time out from humanity,
Time out from loyalty
from love,
Time out from feeling too much,
Time out from yourself
Just a freaking time out from everything,
And when you come back you will have a
new found appreciation for this so called life...
Hopefully...
Maybe...

Straws...

A conflict of the spirit and mind,
A disconnected-ness,
A bitter sweet-ness,
A warped-ness
A war of the insides,
A state of apathy,
A happi-ness,
A sad-ness,
A death of mind and body,
A dark-ness,
A lurking shadow,
A fucked up-ness,
An uncertainty of person,
A clutch at the proverbial straw....

Temporary

Bottomless pits,

dizzy spells,

heart beats,
hear bleeds,
mind weeps

slit wrists,

angry outbursts,

melancholic feelings,

temporary fits,

hope fleets,

will it ever end,

maybe it never will,

acceptance that some things

will never get better...

Today is not that day...

Forgiveness...a word so often thrown around...
so difficult to conceptualize...
A beautiful word in theory,
a gut wrenching one in practice...
That stupid wise guy...
"Forgiveness releases you and not the offender..."
"It saves you from pain..."
"It is most certainly not a free pass to the offender..."
you say...
But why does it feel like it is indeed a free pass...
Tears so bitter not salty anymore...
Anxiety the norm...
You broke a part of me...
You took away something from me that I will never get back,
you fucked with my trust...over and over and over and over...
In your eyes, I amount to nothing...
a worthless piece of shit riddled with pessimism and anger,
Yet the craving for your approval overwhelms my thoughts...
keeps me alive hoping that one day I will receive a "job well done"
Is there anything I will ever do that will receive praise?
Why is it that you are the one who fucked up but I am feeling
worse than you ever will?
How can loyalty be a choice for you and yet you birthed me...
you aint loyal... you aint loyal... you aint fucking loyal...
I protected you...even when I knew it was the wrong thing...
I made so many excuses for you...so tangled in my lies I was drowning...
All for you..you disloyal piece of shit...
It is easier for you to speck my eye yet yours filled with log...
You toyed with my emotions...took them for granted...you broke me...
Resentment...
Anger...
Doubt...
Sadness...
Darkness...
Darkness...
Darkness...
Forgiveness you say?
Maybe I will one day...
but today is not that day...

Gendering...

I haven't blogged in forever...yikes!!!
Not for a lack of content or writers block or anything dramatic, it's just some good old apathy...

Anyway, I really do not feel like boring you guys with a moody...cranky post...not today anyway.

I have been meaning to write about gender for a while now and since Caitlyn Jenner is now a trend...smh!!! I might as well write about gender today.

So I had just walked into a convenient store to buy a packet of cigarettes...just found out that cigarette smoking is in fact a nicotine addiction...that just like an alcoholic or drug addict I am in fact addicted to cigarettes. Funny, I had no idea ciggys were an addiction... I always attributed it to a bad habit that I am yet to kick.. three years later... I am still yet to break free from my addiction. Anyway, I digress...as I am waiting to be handed a box of poison masquerading as ciggs and I look down and see these Easter egg shaped chocolates called Kinder Joy. I have seen these chocolates ten million times before and so a change in packaging definitely caught my eye. The packaging was pink written girls and blue written boys.
This really bothered me. It pissed me off because the lady in front of me kept on insisting that her daughter take the pink one because she is a girl. It got really unnecessary when the mother was visibly angry at her child because she wanted to take the blue chocolate.

Now, this got me thinking about how humanity is working over time to gender people and things. Since when did pink become a girls color while blue a boys. Since when did we allow ourselves to get trapped in the viscious cycle that is gendering. Toys have gender...clothes have gender...animals have gender...people too are locked down into the binary cisnormative he or she genders.

At what point did we get so obsessed with making sure that everything fits into the pretty box that is gender. Why is it that pink packaging is for girls and blue for boys yet the content inside the package is exactly the same? Why is it that we are so intolerant of gender non conforming persons...getting so aggravated because "why can't they just be he or she?" Why is it that when I wake up every morning my biggest dilemma is how I dress as a queer woman... God forbid I end up looking like a man because the clothes I wear are gendered male..too butch... Or as a queer man wondering if the tightness of my pants come off too effeminate.At what point did we allow our children to feel restricted in choice especially for something as minute as a toy...irony being toys were created for fun but here we go gendering a fucking toy...telling girls to play with dolls and boys with guns and cars.

The only reason people are miffed by Caitlyn Jenner's transition is not because she is now a woman but because "why is she coming out so late...she is fucking 70 years old...she should have just remained closeted or made her coming out less open..." Shame on all of us. The fact that Caitlyn has been closeted all her life is because of people like you and me... a humanity consumed with gender. Locking people down in he or she boxes and stifling their self expression. You are assigned a sex at birth but gender is what you identify as. We however bring people up without considering that the constant messages fueled by gender are stifling self expression.

Growing up being told that because you are a girl or a boy you should behave like this, dress like that and most importantly have only pink or blue things. By continuously going around gendering people and things we shove trans and gender queer persons deeper and deeper into the closet. By refusing to acknowledge that sexuality and gender are as fluid as our nature of being human is...we continue to marginalize persons who do not conform to the binary notion that there are only he or she pronouns. By continuing to gender clothes, toys, activities and locking them down in he/she boxes...we continue to stifle our self expression as humanity.

Her...

I only realized I missed her...
when i kissed her..
I only realized that I crave her,
when I caressed her...
I only realized that I she's worth it,
because I didn't have it...
I only realized how letting go is yummy,
because she makes me happy...

What the Fuck!!!

Him:So tell me what you do...
Me:Blah!Blah!Blah!!!!
*shiftstangent*
Him:You know I have been trying to figure you out...I don't know if it's your style....
Him: The way you dress...
Me:How now?
Him: I am not quite sure..
Me:Tomboy?
Him: Nooooo!!!Tomboy's give off the 'hey I am a lesbian kinda vyb"
Me: Aaaaaaah!!!
Him: You give off that traditional masculine vyb...
Me:*faints*
Hahahahaha...what the fuck is that though...

Labels...shaking my damn head... 

Unpredictable

Unpredictability has always made me uncomfortable,
Certainty is something I chase,
Something I live for,
I always want to know what will happen next,
Unpredictability I am learning to embrace you,
I am fighting myself to trust you,
To go with the flow,
One minute I am extatic the next broken,
One week I am pumped and have energy the next lethargic,
One second I am elated the next I want to hide,
One month hope fills my soul the next thoughts of death plague me,
Unpredictability you have been unkind to me,
I perceive you as the enemy,
I wonder if things were certain would I approach things differently or would I do the same things over and over again expecting a different result,
The roller coaster that is my life feels not worth it,
It will make me stronger they say,
It is in your past they say,
It will get better they say,
Temporary this moment is,
Forever is waiting...
what if I don't want forever...
What if I don't want strength,
What if I just want to cry like an infant...
have someone sooth me like a toddler,
What if just for a moment I could be raw,
emotional,trusting,open...
What if just for a moment I could have a glimpse of certainty,
Just for a moment have the rollercoaster ride pause...
Unpredictability I will eventually embrace you...
but right now I hate you...

Small...

There is something different this time round,
There is a heaviness
a cloudiness
an apathetic crossroad,
Just do it
I tell myself
but that darkness
almost crippling
Rise up and fight
I cheer myself
It's different though
this time
the warrior has taken a nap
something on the inside is
working overtime to keep me small....

Hypothesis Findings

A few months ago I blogged about a hypothesis I have thought about for a while here http://bit.ly/1Cwew1X.

I promised to get back to you based on my findings and let me just say I think that it is a very real phenomenon this lesbian calendar.

I will not delve into too much detail mainly because I am kinda smitten. When this dyke is smitten her writing is no longer objective...lol!!

Anyway, let's just say that the amount of time spent together versus the level of intensity do no add up...hahahahahahahahaha...yes I am actually laughing at myself...have been for a while now.

I will give you all the dirty details but a bit later, let's see how far this calendar will take me.

Curses

I curse the day I saw your pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger, unseen truths as my own reflection.

I curse the paths we walked sharing our shadow freely, like friends on a confusing journey in time everyday

I curse the thought to question your darkness, to want to set you free from your experiences I realize it was my own projection.

I curse the bed where our scars crossed.
Where you brew colorful portions under Jezebels tongue to feed my lust everyday.

I curse the deep primal wounds that bridged our hearts,
mistaking unboundaried fusion with actual closeness,hiding in your presence such as I could not exist as a separate entity.

I curse the passion that caused our wires to get all mixed up
Your reflection
My projection
everyday 

Our wounds way of getting the best of us forms a destructive battleground.
I free you...

wound-mate
scar-crossed lover...free yourself

This is not your destiny.
This is not my destiny

 

Muthoni Ngige

Spaces and Voids...

there is a space inside us.

one that no matter how close

we get, this space can only

be filled by our own laughter

and our own sorrow. it is

something we cannot depend

on other people for. it is 

something we have to make

sense of by ourselves.

r.m.drake

Sometimes....

Sometimes reality gets really difficult
to wrap the mind around,
Sometimes to disappear
feels like the only solution,
Sometimes the future's bleakness
needs a shining light,
Sometimes that light gets too bright,
To crawl into bed and not move
is a feeling that can overwhelm,
Sometimes apathy takes over emotion
so fucked up is your life lens,
Sometimes death feels so warm
so welcoming...so cuddly,
Sometimes to flirt with the idea
feels electrifying,
Feels valid,
Feels like a solution
That noose on your neck
those pills in hand
Sometimes expectation and reality don't add up,
Sometimes life as you know it takes fucked up turns,
Sometimes it is ok to feel
the fuck out of your feelings,
Sometimes to let go
and flow
to unclench that fist of control
is to acknowledge strength within,
Sometimes to mess up, fuck up and pray for death to
come for us
is to acknowledge our humanity...

What am I doing...

what am I doing,

what am I doing,

damnit!!! what am I doing,

the way you look at me,

so intense,

like I am the only girl in your world...

the bubble created,

so beautiful,

so chaotic...

the way you touch me,

my body craves,

time a frail concept,

reality you cock blocking bastard,

I want to run away,

the attraction though,

so beautiful,

so chaotic...

what am I doing....

What am I?

So I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I haven't felt like it, partly because writers block.
So this weekend I was with a friend of mine who is a friend of a lady I am crushing on big time. I have a healthy approach toward rejection or rather I have cultivated a healthy response to rejection nowadays. So I ask my friend what her friend thinks of me. Simply because I am not a believer in expending time, effort and game on somebody who is not feeling my vyb.

My friend proceeds to tell me.."she is feeling you BUT she is not sure what you are..."
Uuuuuummmmmm!!! I have ranted before about labels and assumed roles but this is not that blog.
So I ask my friend, what does that mean? She replies, "she is confused as to whether you're a girl or a boy?"
Again *insertwideeyes* eeeeeeeeeerrrrrrmmmm!!!!!
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm!!!!
Aheeeem!!!



For once in my life I was left tongue tied, like zero come back.

I know that I am generally a really difficult person to place. I do not present strictly butch or femme. My friends call me a stem or futch but for some weird reason those labels just don't feel like me.
One thing I am not though is a boy...lol!! I could identify as cisgender meaning that I identify as female the sex I was assigned at birth.

She is straight rather straight identifying/bi curious, so I will forgive her for the insensitive terminology of "boy." The problem with heterosexuality is the binary representation of everything. There is this problematic feeling that someone has to be the "man" and the other the "woman" in the relationship, and because I do not come off like strictly girly or strictly tommy then that creates a breakdown in her minds eye of the binary notion that one of us has to be girly or boyish.


Get this though, I am not crushing on her because she is straight identifying, I am crushing on her because y'all need to see her, damn!!!she has the dykiest vyb ever, she is completely my type and she keeps my sapiosexual self pleased..complete mind fuck...sluuuuurp!!! Anyway, I digress...she also raised the question that she just does not get how lesbians have sex, because according to her that is foreplay. Again for someone who identifies and has always been straight, sex is pretty much dick in vagina kinda thing. The binary that is heterosexuality, then fails to appreciate sex as so many other things and not just physical penetration. I have had sex with men before and trust me I know how easy it is to literally just lie there get banged and orgasm on cue. It is so easy to be mentally absent because of the notion that being penetrated is the only thing sex is about.



Anyway, this is one of those blogs without much going on direction wise...lol!
But what am I?
I am a girl,
A fierce woman tryna conquer the world with lipstick, mascara and converse,
A feminist,
Health rights advocate,
A woman who has sex with women,
Cisgender identifying as lesbian who is still soooooo confused about labels....