Here we go again

It's about that time of the year,
When festivity checks in,
When she leaves her morals in November,
Picks them up in January,
It's that time of the year when
thoughts of the past months start trickling in,
She begins to wonder whether the choices she has made
are actually choices she is proud of,
She questions her actions
were they of pride,of shame,of apathy,
She gets lost in the fog that is her future,
So eager to experience it
yet it cripples her with fear,
That fear that makes her body weak in the knees,heart palpitate and palpitate and palpitate,
like a banshee on ketamine,
She wonders whether her future self will hate her for decisions of her wanting, her lusting,her loyalty to a fault,
She wonders whether she is lost in her darkness,
It creeps back in more often now,
it scares the living daylights out of her,
Her demons ever so loud,
She has done pretty well though,
She is proud of the self growth
proud of her strength,her resilience
her power
She is indeed a power force to reckon with,
As she ushers in the new year
uncertainty being her biggest anxiety trigger,
She will forgive herself for the stupid,the reckless,the good,the bad and the down right ugly,
She will allow herself to live,to participate,to be vulnerable,to be afraid,to make mistakes...

Sweater Weather..

and there were always those nights

where she preferred

the rain over people.

because the rain 

would remind her of how she should feel

and people would remind her

of the things she

always wanted to forget.

r.m.drake

Mom Shaming

To grow at an expedited rate for nine months,
To labor for hours on end,
To give birth to a child is nothing short of an experience,
There is a Swahili proverb that states "kuzaa ni kazi, lakini kulea mwana ni kazi zaidi
*to give birth is work, but raising a child is more work*
There is no break between child birth and motherhood,
That woman has just pushed a human being out of her body,
There is the nurse trying to teach her how to breast feed,
Kids do not come with a manual,
Latching is so frustrating,
The infant crying and crying,
All they want is the breast,
Fuck! her exhaustion,
The baby finally latches,
Her nipples have never experienced such battery,
they become tender, sensitive, skin peeling and cracking,
Did I mention that this woman's vagina has been stitched up,
She can barely pee without wanting to pass out,
Her belly full of stretch marks only reminiscent of the journey her body has gone through,
Her nights are sleepless,
She cannot close her eyes without the fear...
that relentless fear that this infant will choke, lie on them or even worse die
in the few moments she catches some shut eye,
How about like a lover possessed
her every waking moment is filled with thoughts of her child,
She can barely go to the shop without being paralyzed by fear,
THEN...
There is a bunch of us who cannot stop mum shaming,

We never for a second empathize with women who have children,

We never look away from the privilege we have

as childless people,

How dare she breast feed in public?
How dare she wean her baby off breast milk before 6 months?

How dare she go for a night out?

How dare she want to look beautiful?

How dare she want to have a life aside from being a mother?

How dare she be depressed?

How dare she be an addict?

How dare she want to have a skin crawling sex life?

How dare she be queer?

How dare she have multiple baby daddies?

How dare she be too young?

How dare she try not to conform?

How dare she not be SUPER WOMAN...

Little Gem...

I found this beautiful gem on Huffington Post. I have edited it, however for anyone stuck in the murk that is queer self discovery this is a good read.

Dear Little Rickey (or any other young gay man just finding his way),

I'm about to talk to you. Not in a bad way. Consider it more like your own mini-version of "Back To The Future." I know you don't know what that means, but just trust me, when you catch up to it you'll love that movie.

You see, I'm chatting with you right now to pass back some assurance, insights, and monkey-mind-quieting advice for you to use as you journey towards becoming the man you're going to be—a proud, scared, confused, strong, intuitive, fun-loving, gay man! Now, I know it's a bit early for us to talk about gender identity, sexuality, sexual orientation, and sex, so let's start at the beginning.

Don't Let Sex Become a Hang Up: 
So, here's your first piece of advice: sex and sexuality, which involves that little penis nub right below your belly button, is a beautiful thing. And yes, it's okay to touch yourself down there. Just make sure it doesn't become an obsession ... it could get in the way of safely driving a car.

Know That The World Is Changing (For The Better)
In a few years, the world is really going to begin to change about this thing called sexuality.

You'll Be Different And That's Okay
But, enough about the historical stuff. I want to talk about our "stuff". Here's the deal: We're going to grow up being curious about our bodies, especially our penis, like most guys do. Then, we're going to start discovering our feelings, looking at other guys (and some girls), and we're going to discover that something just isn't adding up.

As much as we'd like to be like the rest of the guys, tongue twisting with the girls, it just isn't going to be what we're fond of. Don't get me wrong, kissing is awesome; however, when it comes to throat-diving with someone, you're going to suddenly find that you'd rather be doing it with Michael, rather than Mindy. Sure, you'll give it try with Theresa, Kim, Jennifer, Barbie (no, not the doll), and even a Shari, but it just won't work.

You'll try to hide what you're feeling, but it's not going to be who you really are. You'll know that, you just won't completely understand it for awhile, so be patient. I wish I could tell you to just go for it and say, "Bite me" (one of the slang phrases that will be popular as you grow older) to everyone who doesn't "get" you. But, I'm going to suggest that you stand your ground, trust yourself to be yourself and know that one day, you'll have a life better than you ever imagined possible.

Here's a few other things I want you know. (I don't want to give away too much because I want you to have a great life experience):

1. You are who you are, plain and simple.

2. Pretending sucks. Reality rocks.

3. Making others comfortable with you is not your responsibility.

4. You're going to love and be loved. You're also going to dislike and be disliked. Choose the first combo; it's much more fun.

5. Don't worry about what you've done wrong. Just always learn from it.

6. It is not selfish to take care of you first.

7. You will have what you desire, provided you ask for it, and only ask for it if it's in your best interest.

8. Make sure that what you expect from others, you are willing for them to expect from you.

9. Try to learn that everything is happening for you, not to you (even the trip to the principal's office for an insane reason that Sarah made up).

10. Speak when it makes a difference, and stay quiet when it makes sense.

For the full article click:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/18/gay-men-letter-younger-self-_n_6180804.html

23/11/90-23/11/14

In the hippie 90's a beautifully broken soul was born,
A cute,incessantly crying, chubby,queer baby,
Twenty four years later and she wants to be that baby again,
She wants to be loved and protected by the very people that brought her into this world,
She wants a pat on the back,a hug and she yearns for an I love you...heck!just a happy birthday from the human beings that claim to be your parents would suffice,
She has learnt that to bring a child into this world unplanned is the most selfish act,
She is twenty four going on fifty,
She is growing up waaaay too quickly,
Anxiety and crisis mode are beginning to feel like the norm,
In her twenty four years of life her twenty third had the most lessons,
She has learnt that strength and resilience are suits that have helped her survive,
But survival not being all too inspiring,
She wants to live for now, for today...
to breathe in the the crisp air today...
But this beautifully broken girl is stuck in the future past,
She has learnt to love self despite the chaos,
She has learnt that friendship is a word that is thrown around often meaning nothing,
She now knows that darkness all too well,
She feels it lurking in the shadows
That nagging feeling that death could be the easier way out,
That constant feeling of walking through fog,
No clear path in sight is her new normal...quarter life crisis they call it,
Unseeing the injustice, humiliation and otherness that women  and queer folk are subjected to has become increasingly difficult,
Being a feminist in a world filled with male dogma is difficult,
She battles with self doubt but interestingly knows her worth only too well,
She now knows that love is not a feeling rather a deliberate choice to commit,
Lust is something that ignites her soul,
getting lost in a world where fantasy and reality collide,
Loyalty the only code she abides by,
Rejection her biggest fear,
Stifling the man in the arena,
The voice in her head being her worst nightmare,
Her worst critic and cheerleader rolled into one,
She loathes her sexuality because of lack of expression
She loves it because love is love is love,
She is better than she ever has been...
having experienced the worst that it could ever get...
Or at the very least hopes it can never get worse than her twenty third....

The Fucked Up Beauty Standard

 Tina Fey from her Book Bossy Pants

Expression Without Words...

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