You are appreciated

You know sometimes I wonder why mental illness exists. I am not saying that the opposite of lack of mental illness is happiness abound. It's simply a lack of disease.  I am pissed at what mental illness does to people.  It makes them so self centred. It's like they can't see past themselves and glimpse into the pain they cause the people around them. It's hard to see what they go through during an episode but it still doesn't hurt less when their episodes make you feel a typa way.

You try to roll with the punches, you always put yourself second,you are afraid and walking on eggshells..that nagging feeling that there will never be any wins.
You have to be the strong one all of the time. You have to look like you are put together like despite you not having a mental illness you are still battling demons of the mind....

It's hard... I wunt lie...it's hard being the partner,child,parent,sibling,friend, lover of someone with a mental illness. It's fucking hard... I applaud all of you out there... keep on with the good fight... You are appreciated.

Wondering....

As I dull my cigarette on the tray wondering whether it will be my last before I die,
As I take a gulp of my beer wondering if it will choke me to death,
As my negative thoughts pass by like a train that never gets late
will these thoughts be my last before I die?
As I sit here pensively wondering if my anxious heart rate will cause me to have a
cardiac arrest,
As I listen to the animated chatter at the bar
bar wondering if they are actually happy
if every belly full of laughter is real,
Wondering why I can't be as animated...
as joyous,as grateful...
Am I normal?
Do the feelings I feel happen to anyone else?
Do other people question their existence?
Do other people want to take their own life?
Do other people feel sad,feel angry,feel isolated,feel lonely...
lonely and there are so many people around them?
Feel alone and they have jobs,responsibilities,partners,lovers,friends....
Do other people have moments
not forever moments but moments when they feel that this life...this fragile thing we call living doesn't actually matter...
I wonder....

Too many months..

Too many months have gone by
without me being able to write,
So many emotions pass by
without the ability to comprehend
the demons that lurk behind,
Whispers of not good enough...not worth
anybodies time,
Feelings of guilt everytime the toke is blown
out
everytime the liquor burns my throat,
Trying to run as fast as I can from the mind
Will I make it through this time...
the darkness covers me like a cloud of
nothingness
consumes my soul my existence my ability
to function,
I have become a lie told to everyone because I can't get myself to function
To talk,to socialize,to be present..
Too many months have gone by with a
ghost like existence
hoping for me to come home....

Time out...

Sometimes it's ok to give yourself a time out,
Time out from your thoughts,
Time out from humanity,
Time out from loyalty
from love,
Time out from feeling too much,
Time out from yourself
Just a freaking time out from everything,
And when you come back you will have a
new found appreciation for this so called life...
Hopefully...
Maybe...

Straws...

A conflict of the spirit and mind,
A disconnected-ness,
A bitter sweet-ness,
A warped-ness
A war of the insides,
A state of apathy,
A happi-ness,
A sad-ness,
A death of mind and body,
A dark-ness,
A lurking shadow,
A fucked up-ness,
An uncertainty of person,
A clutch at the proverbial straw....

Temporary

Bottomless pits,

dizzy spells,

heart beats,
hear bleeds,
mind weeps

slit wrists,

angry outbursts,

melancholic feelings,

temporary fits,

hope fleets,

will it ever end,

maybe it never will,

acceptance that some things

will never get better...

Today is not that day...

Forgiveness...a word so often thrown around...
so difficult to conceptualize...
A beautiful word in theory,
a gut wrenching one in practice...
That stupid wise guy...
"Forgiveness releases you and not the offender..."
"It saves you from pain..."
"It is most certainly not a free pass to the offender..."
you say...
But why does it feel like it is indeed a free pass...
Tears so bitter not salty anymore...
Anxiety the norm...
You broke a part of me...
You took away something from me that I will never get back,
you fucked with my trust...over and over and over and over...
In your eyes, I amount to nothing...
a worthless piece of shit riddled with pessimism and anger,
Yet the craving for your approval overwhelms my thoughts...
keeps me alive hoping that one day I will receive a "job well done"
Is there anything I will ever do that will receive praise?
Why is it that you are the one who fucked up but I am feeling
worse than you ever will?
How can loyalty be a choice for you and yet you birthed me...
you aint loyal... you aint loyal... you aint fucking loyal...
I protected you...even when I knew it was the wrong thing...
I made so many excuses for you...so tangled in my lies I was drowning...
All for you..you disloyal piece of shit...
It is easier for you to speck my eye yet yours filled with log...
You toyed with my emotions...took them for granted...you broke me...
Resentment...
Anger...
Doubt...
Sadness...
Darkness...
Darkness...
Darkness...
Forgiveness you say?
Maybe I will one day...
but today is not that day...