Am too fat because am too skinny..

I have always been that girl with an apple bottom, the kind that T-pain talks about. I have always been that girl with juicy thunder thighs and a boooootay for days. Anyway that being said, I lost a couple of kilos of late and I don't think I have gotten so much criticism about my body in my life. Who knew so many people were paying attention. Those were my glory days, my hips swinging from left to right, my round ass very hard of ignore. After a few months of why have you lost so much weight? It started to get to me. I began being very self conscious always paranoid that everyone can notice that am too skinny. Hold up!!I thought skinny was beautiful, I thought that that's what everyone aspires to be...thin!!! So why is everyone giving me so much grief about my weight loss...I thought it was a good thing. I think I forgot to mention that when my apple bottom was busy swinging from left to right everybody kept telling me am too fat,I need to shed off a couple of pounds.

So,this brings me to the whole weight issue and the fact that everybody seems to be too skinny because they are too fat,or too fat because they are too skinny. I know its a paradox but people never seem to be content with how they look. I have been on both sides of this divide and trust me being skinny is super over rated and being fat is equally the same. Bottom line my beautiful people, love yourself whether you are thin or plump..love yourself. I eventually got over the criticism and decided to embrace me. My weight does not define me. So here's my middle finger to all the haters out there. You are beautiful just the way you are.


Listen to the way you are by b.o.b

Maybe change was all I needed...

I have been dreading writing this blog. I have been dancing around it but mostly making excuses for why I should not write it. The law of the jungle is one of survival for the fittest. So when circumstances caused me to survive I had to adapt quickly or get phased out. This is the typical story of friends falling out, it has happened quite a number of times but this fall out was different. I had been stuck in a bubble. This bubble consisted of friendships I thought were loyal, ideologies I thought were reality and a feeling of always wanting to belong. For 6 years of my life I was stuck in this bubble and I was perfectly happy and fine...until the fall out...

I had to adapt, and I had to adapt quickly. Survival was my number one instinct and against my better judgement I decided to branch out, meet new people and this time they had to be completely out of the 'social circle' I had conformed to. And so, my journey began, I started to put myself out there, I say this because believe it or not for 6 years I had surrounded myself with only a select group of individuals totalling 5 people. Don't get me wrong I had very many acquintances but those particular 5 people were my ride or die bitches. I am a very loyal person, so by that fact I chilled with them most all of the time. So imagine my shock,when after the fall out I was slowly edged out and before I knew it, I was on the outside looking in.

Before long, I began to interact with different people, from writers to artists, academics to activists, I  can confidently say I have put myself out there. One of the things that I found really changed for me is the type of conversation I found myself having. If you would have told me 6 years ago that I would be talking about feminism,art,world politics,racism,patriachy,religious non-conformity etc and enjoy it I would probably laugh at you. I slowly realised that gossip is not conversation. If anything, I realised that its even a burden, because after gossiping your left with a secret, and secrets are burdens.

In my bid to put myself out there, I have got to meet thee most amazing and talented people. People who put so much time,love and value to their work every time am around them I want to, with the risk of sounding cheesy, become a better person. People who are not afraid to call you out on your bullshit. People who are so intellectual and fact-based that you cannot have a debate with them if your facts are not in check. I like that, its challenging. People who are interested and conscious  of what is happening in the world, ignorance is NOT bliss.

I could go on and on about my journey of self discovery which is not about to come to an end. The long and short of this blog being,
change is hard,
it is difficult,
it is unsure and full of self doubt,
but change is necessary,
it is good for you,
if your not changing your not growing,
maybe change was all I needed.

A Letter to my Father

I wonder what your reaction was when I was conceived,
I wonder how you felt 9 months later,
This beautiful baby girl,
So innocent, so gentle, so gullible,
I wonder if I was the best thing that ever happened,
Or was I a burden?
Did you look at me and love me,
Or did you loathe me?
Was your every minute consumed with your love for me,
Or was I a waste of time?
I could only wish that I knew the answers,
But your selfishness consumed you,
Time passed by,
22 years later, you are still a perfect stranger,
Almost as if you were a sperm donor,
You never bothered to be part of my life,
I craved a father figure,
But all I got were daddy issues,
I always picture a perfect life,
Where a father wants to know his daughter,
Wants to spend time with me,
Teach me,
Hold me,
Mentor me,
A perfect world where,
We would giggle about the girls I like,
And hate on the ones that break my heart,
You barely ever had time for me,
Barely acknowledged me,
You broke me down with harsh words,
And you killed me with your ignorance,
I would do anything for your approval,
Anything, to get you to notice me,
My love slowly turned to resentment,
I hated you,
Why wouldn't I?
You broke my heart,
In a way that nobody can ever fix,
I look at the world differently now,
Afraid to love because I was never shown love,
Emotionally flat-lined,
I do not believe in relationships,
Because you never showed me what it is to be affectionate,
I do not believe in marriage and family,
Because you broke down ours,
But am ok! now father,
I am ok! because I stopped blaming myself,
Its not my fault that you are such a douchebag,
I did nothing to deserve such treatment,
And so, father, all I can do,
Is pray for you,
Pray that you learn how to forgive yourself,
Because you missed out,
You missed out on getting to know thee most amazing person,
ME!!

of blessings and lack of appreciation...

I have just gotten home and oh!crap there are no lights. I of course curse and get pist off,well, because there are no lights. So I go up to my roof top, light up a doobie as I listen to some Kendrick. So I hear screaming and a thought crosses my mind, "I wish I was them, having a blast on this cold-candlelit night". But the screaming only intensifies and when I look up I see really dark smoke. Oh!!my God...Kibera(the slum I live next to) is burning, a few houses that is. I gaze in utter shock as the screaming only gets louder and louder, people are chanting, blowing whistles trying to alert neighbours and help. I stand on my roof top feeling extremely petty for being angry at having no lights.

It made me think, and especially think of how lucky I am because a swamp is the only divide between me and Kibera. Yet that divide means that I have security, running water, food to eat and electricity. That divide means that I can afford to enjoy the little pleasures life has to offer. The divide means that in all my life I will never need to woke twice as hard as they have to put a meal on the table. I am blessed, yet all I ever do most of the time is complain how unfair life is. It may be unfair but at least I have a bed to sleep. I am not awake trying to put out a fire, wondering where I will put my kids to sleep. Having everything I own burnt to ashes. I am blessed and today I am actually disgusted with myself at how ungrateful I can be when other people are literally struggling to stay alive. Shame on me, and after today I vow to bite my tongue before I complain. Lights are back, and I feel even more ungrateful.

Outside looking in..

Am bending over in pain,

Gut wrenched,

Ouch!!!!!!

How long will this pain last,

Every time I turn around,

Am slapped with the reality,

Reality that I no longer matter,

Ouch!!!!

I have been replaced,

One minute am relevant,

The next, am as irrelevant as the dirt on which they walk on,

Ouch!!!

My heart pains,

Not broken just bent,

Once you realise,

That your ride or die bitches,

Are long gone and moved on,

I was stuck in a bubble,

Assumed that loyalty trumps everything,

Pop!!!!

Goes the sound of the bubble,

And smack in the face,

Is the reality,

That am on the outside looking in.

of religion and non-conforming

I had an amazing time at the Nest yesterday. Met a couple of amazing gays and amidst a lot of conversation and giddy laughter, the question on religion came up. There were definitely a lot of reactions and trust me none of them were in the name of Jesus. "I hate God!, I don't believe in God, I pray to God but am not conforming to a religion, am an atheist..." are among the reactions I got. One told us to shut the fuck up if we will continue talking about religion. After I left, for some reason that conversation could not get out of my head. It then hit me that a staggering number of my queer friends simply do not give two shits about religious institutions. I realised that I had had this same conversation with almost ten other LGBTI persons and it all led back to one conclusion...fuck religion.

I am very aware that ten people is too little to come up with a conclusive decision, so lets look at statistics by the Pew Research Centre 2013 LBGTI Survey. On the number of LGBTI persons with a religious affiliation, only 1,197 as opposed to 31,062 heterosexuals had a religious affiliation. Of the six major religious institutions, 71% of LGBTI persons view religious institutions as unfriendly. 48% of LGBTI persons are of the view that the religious types have negative views toward homosexuality. 65% said that they seldom/never attend church weekly. And finally a staggering 88% of LGBTI persons are religiously unaffiliated.

Is it just me or  is there something terribly wrong here. In the Great Holy Book, didn't some wise ass say that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. That we are created in God's image. We are all children of this good God, and only God can judge us. Then why is it that it feels like religious institutions are only for heterosexual people?

Me thinks that, we are gravely misunderstood, religious institutions are full of "in the name of Jesus" kind of hypocrites. The kind who are too afraid to confront reality that the hide behind scripture. Stoning us, with cursing eyes. I thought we are ALL children of God, that only He can judge us, then why are there so many gods among men who will self righteously shun you from a place of worship because of your sexuality?

I think that we have a long way to go in terms of LGBTI acceptance but the one place you should feel safe because the world is a cold and brutal place, turn you away with religious hypocrisy. Its a pity because the good book also says "that he, without sin should cast the first stone."