A Letter to my Father

I wonder what your reaction was when I was conceived,
I wonder how you felt 9 months later,
This beautiful baby girl,
So innocent, so gentle, so gullible,
I wonder if I was the best thing that ever happened,
Or was I a burden?
Did you look at me and love me,
Or did you loathe me?
Was your every minute consumed with your love for me,
Or was I a waste of time?
I could only wish that I knew the answers,
But your selfishness consumed you,
Time passed by,
22 years later, you are still a perfect stranger,
Almost as if you were a sperm donor,
You never bothered to be part of my life,
I craved a father figure,
But all I got were daddy issues,
I always picture a perfect life,
Where a father wants to know his daughter,
Wants to spend time with me,
Teach me,
Hold me,
Mentor me,
A perfect world where,
We would giggle about the girls I like,
And hate on the ones that break my heart,
You barely ever had time for me,
Barely acknowledged me,
You broke me down with harsh words,
And you killed me with your ignorance,
I would do anything for your approval,
Anything, to get you to notice me,
My love slowly turned to resentment,
I hated you,
Why wouldn't I?
You broke my heart,
In a way that nobody can ever fix,
I look at the world differently now,
Afraid to love because I was never shown love,
Emotionally flat-lined,
I do not believe in relationships,
Because you never showed me what it is to be affectionate,
I do not believe in marriage and family,
Because you broke down ours,
But am ok! now father,
I am ok! because I stopped blaming myself,
Its not my fault that you are such a douchebag,
I did nothing to deserve such treatment,
And so, father, all I can do,
Is pray for you,
Pray that you learn how to forgive yourself,
Because you missed out,
You missed out on getting to know thee most amazing person,
ME!!