Wondering....

As I dull my cigarette on the tray wondering whether it will be my last before I die,
As I take a gulp of my beer wondering if it will choke me to death,
As my negative thoughts pass by like a train that never gets late
will these thoughts be my last before I die?
As I sit here pensively wondering if my anxious heart rate will cause me to have a
cardiac arrest,
As I listen to the animated chatter at the bar
bar wondering if they are actually happy
if every belly full of laughter is real,
Wondering why I can't be as animated...
as joyous,as grateful...
Am I normal?
Do the feelings I feel happen to anyone else?
Do other people question their existence?
Do other people want to take their own life?
Do other people feel sad,feel angry,feel isolated,feel lonely...
lonely and there are so many people around them?
Feel alone and they have jobs,responsibilities,partners,lovers,friends....
Do other people have moments
not forever moments but moments when they feel that this life...this fragile thing we call living doesn't actually matter...
I wonder....

Too many months..

Too many months have gone by
without me being able to write,
So many emotions pass by
without the ability to comprehend
the demons that lurk behind,
Whispers of not good enough...not worth
anybodies time,
Feelings of guilt everytime the toke is blown
out
everytime the liquor burns my throat,
Trying to run as fast as I can from the mind
Will I make it through this time...
the darkness covers me like a cloud of
nothingness
consumes my soul my existence my ability
to function,
I have become a lie told to everyone because I can't get myself to function
To talk,to socialize,to be present..
Too many months have gone by with a
ghost like existence
hoping for me to come home....