other side

Stuck between hope and love,

Stuck between trust and doubt,

Stuck between happy and sad,

Helplessness,

All I see is a shell,

All of you has been scooped out,

Replaced with the bottle,

Hopeful that you will one day come back,

But I know that it is a long shot,

Maybe some of you,

Just a little bit,

That is all I ask,

That one day you will come back,

Hopeful that I will not be tired of waiting,

You are a skeleton of your former self,

It breaks my heart,

That a liquid can change you,

A seemingly harmless liquid,

Can turn you into someone unrecognisable,

Stuck between negativity and positivity,

Stuck between clarity and confusion,

Stuck between pity and disgust,

Helplessness.

pray the gay away..

I had an amazing weekend. It was one that I honestly did not see coming but it was such a pleasant surprise. I was at the Nest, an arts organisation for rewind-fastfoward, a theatre forum gig. I got to interact with a group of different yet very dynamic minds and it was such a breathe of fresh air seeing as I had really been craving a different kind of chill plan.

I was talking to a friend of mine basically about how hard it is to come out and the kind of personal demons you have to overcome. And she said something that resonated in my mind. She said, "I always used to ask myself why I have a boyfriend but he feels like a brother?"

This statement almost immediately answered why I struggled so much with men and sustaining a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with men. I am not a man-basher, man-hater whatever you want to call it. Besides my closest friends are men. I cannot look you with a straight face and tell you that when I used to have sex with men I hated it.

In that moment I realised what the problem was, I was never emotionally present. For any relationship to succeed in my opinion you have to be emotionally and physically present. You can be physically compatible with almost anybody but emotional connection is of fundamental importance. Atleast for me anyway. When I was still accepting my sexuality I went on a man-bender. I was literally trying to fill a void, excuse my French, with dick. I was trying to force myself to believe that sex with men is ok even though my mind was never in it. I battled with wondering how I could be having so much sex but not have any emotional connection. I cried and beat myself up so much because I thought I was broken. Why were all my girl friends so emotionally entangled with the men they were having sex with but for me I felt nothing. I was never emotionally present.

This may be one of the answers to the question "why you cannot pray the gay away." When I had sex again this time when I had accepted my sexuality with a woman I felt things. I felt my pussy juices flowing,my nipples erect, my body quiver with every orgasm. It was different this time, my mind was in it...I did not stray...all my attention and focus was on making her feel good...it was effortless...I was not trying too hard...I loved it.

A little dose of feminism...lol!!!

growth...

Growing up is never the problem. The problem is accepting the harsh reality that if your not growing at the same rate with your friends you have to cut them off. It does not matter if you have grown up together or known each other for a substantial part of your life. But if you are not growing together you have to cut them off. Because the sad reality is that if you do not cut them off they will drag you down. Fuck!reality it is shockingly brutal.

emotional flat-line...

Beep!beep!beep!
The first sign of life,
Of hope,
A pulse,
On my emotional flat-line,
I was numb,
Walls up,
Guard up,
A total doubting Thomas,
I met her,
She makes me feel things,
Good things,
She has taken over all of my thoughts,
And I love it,
She makes me feel like it's ok,
Ok!to feel love,
To feel emotion,
To feel all giddy inside,
To not be afraid of happiness,
Even though we don't end up together forever,
She has re-awoken my emotion,
Fate has a way of doing unexplainable things,
Am happy she brought this little surprise my way...so stoked!!!

October 5th

Graduation in my country is a really big deal. People tend to really fuss over it. There is a lot of dramatisation and a false sense of pride. However, what I envisioned in my head as the outcome of this "big" day was nothing I saw coming.

Perception is something that informs decisions more than we think. Perception makes you come to conclusions that are not yours to make. People I was sure would come out with honours came out with passes and vice versa. Taught me one thing, do not let perception fool you.

First degree down and lesson two I would be stupid to repeat the same mistakes. Focus is my number one drive. I will not over analyse things I have one sole goal right now and that is to become the best health lawyer I could possibly be. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Lesson three, I am glad for this year. It has taught me a lot on placing the name friend. I used to throw around that word because it felt prestigious. Gave me a feeling of belonging. But October 5th taught me a few things about that friend word. That's the most permanent lesson I got. It is very bitter-sweet but am wiser now.