Friday 29 August 2014
Thursday 28 August 2014
I am better than I used to be...
Tunnel vision is something I'm constantly battling when it comes to my life. I mean I'm the one living it, it only makes sense that things get cloudy. Unbearable lightness by Portia de Rossi is a book that the flip of each page was like staring myself in the mirror. It is so perplexing how much you can have in common with someone yet you have never met or spoken to them. Her book is so cathartic, I cried, I smiled, I laughed but most of all I related so much with what she was saying it scares me. The moments she was going crazy I was in it with her, the crazy whirl wind that was her past life resonated with me so much. A young teenage girl so insecure of her looks that I got trapped in a binge eating disorder , riddled with shame for loving women. It felt like reading about myself.
Her closeted moments struck me as too real. Who knew that it was a universal thing to be so afraid of jeopardizing you entire existence simply because of coming out. The fear of rejection is more real than imagined. The fear paralyzes your entire existence. Sneaking around, causing other people misery because you are miserable yourself, paying so much attention to what society dictates that you should be instead of focusing on who you really are. Trying to figure out what kind of a dyke I am. Heck! I love red lips and mascara as much as I love baggy jeans and converse.
The most important thing this book did for me was help me realize that I am actually better than I used to be.
I was stuck in a rut of not feeling whole, of feeling like I am not enough, of feeling like a hoax, that my dreams were exactly that just dreams that would never amount to anything.
Without realizing it, this year has been one of powerful transformation for me. I have embarked on a journey of bettering myself and in turn being a better person to those who love me. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I am not afraid of showing off to the world and enjoying the world together. I have never been this comfortable in my own skin, I am almost too comfortable. Yes! world I am gay and I am proud...damn proud. I could not even think it leave alone say it out loud time like this in the past years. I am not different, I am just queer. It is a part of who you are a friend once told me 3 years ago, but as I type this I now fully understand what it means. I am more confident than I used to be. I am less cynical more vulnerable.I no longer let society tell me who I should be because society is a harsh standard I will never match up. A cruel master who will never tell me I am proud of you, it will always say you are not enough.
Wayne Dyer once said that "true nobility isn't about being better than anyone else; it's about being better than you used to be." I am still a work in progress but I am damn sure that I am better than I used to be.
Thank you Portia.
Her closeted moments struck me as too real. Who knew that it was a universal thing to be so afraid of jeopardizing you entire existence simply because of coming out. The fear of rejection is more real than imagined. The fear paralyzes your entire existence. Sneaking around, causing other people misery because you are miserable yourself, paying so much attention to what society dictates that you should be instead of focusing on who you really are. Trying to figure out what kind of a dyke I am. Heck! I love red lips and mascara as much as I love baggy jeans and converse.
The most important thing this book did for me was help me realize that I am actually better than I used to be.
I was stuck in a rut of not feeling whole, of feeling like I am not enough, of feeling like a hoax, that my dreams were exactly that just dreams that would never amount to anything.
Without realizing it, this year has been one of powerful transformation for me. I have embarked on a journey of bettering myself and in turn being a better person to those who love me. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I am not afraid of showing off to the world and enjoying the world together. I have never been this comfortable in my own skin, I am almost too comfortable. Yes! world I am gay and I am proud...damn proud. I could not even think it leave alone say it out loud time like this in the past years. I am not different, I am just queer. It is a part of who you are a friend once told me 3 years ago, but as I type this I now fully understand what it means. I am more confident than I used to be. I am less cynical more vulnerable.I no longer let society tell me who I should be because society is a harsh standard I will never match up. A cruel master who will never tell me I am proud of you, it will always say you are not enough.
Wayne Dyer once said that "true nobility isn't about being better than anyone else; it's about being better than you used to be." I am still a work in progress but I am damn sure that I am better than I used to be.
Thank you Portia.
Friday 15 August 2014
I am my hair!!
Tresses, locks, curls, ringlets,
There is something about hair,
Straight and permed,
Natural and kinky,
Hair is beautiful,
I am in love with my hair,
Bad, untidy, unkempt hair is such a pet peeve,
I love clean hair,
You know the type that smells like that amazing fruity shampoo,
The kind that looks deep conditioned,
Almost as if the owner has a love affair with it,
I love my hair,
We turned a month recently,
Me and my locs I mean,
This has been a month of complete restraint,
Heck!! who knew I would have so much self control,
The urge to wash it with my fruity smelling shampoo,
Slather lots and lots of conditioner,
Pass an afro through it and frown at the pain,
Pain mixed with pleasure,
The pleasure of having clean, beautiful hair,
Kempt hair for me is synonymous with happiness,
My hair makes me happy,
I like to invest in it like fine art, or diamonds or land,
My new hair journey has injected a new feeling of life,
The darkness has been tryna slowly creep in,
But I have to see my babies grow,
Become long and luscious and kinky and clean,
It's amazing what my hair does for me,
It makes me happy, want to live,
Just to see what this loc journey has in store for me,
So Fuck! you Fantasia,
I am my hair!!!!
There is something about hair,
Straight and permed,
Natural and kinky,
Hair is beautiful,
I am in love with my hair,
Bad, untidy, unkempt hair is such a pet peeve,
I love clean hair,
You know the type that smells like that amazing fruity shampoo,
The kind that looks deep conditioned,
Almost as if the owner has a love affair with it,
I love my hair,
We turned a month recently,
Me and my locs I mean,
This has been a month of complete restraint,
Heck!! who knew I would have so much self control,
The urge to wash it with my fruity smelling shampoo,
Slather lots and lots of conditioner,
Pass an afro through it and frown at the pain,
Pain mixed with pleasure,
The pleasure of having clean, beautiful hair,
Kempt hair for me is synonymous with happiness,
My hair makes me happy,
I like to invest in it like fine art, or diamonds or land,
My new hair journey has injected a new feeling of life,
The darkness has been tryna slowly creep in,
But I have to see my babies grow,
Become long and luscious and kinky and clean,
It's amazing what my hair does for me,
It makes me happy, want to live,
Just to see what this loc journey has in store for me,
So Fuck! you Fantasia,
I am my hair!!!!
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