What the Fuck!!!

Him:So tell me what you do...
Me:Blah!Blah!Blah!!!!
*shiftstangent*
Him:You know I have been trying to figure you out...I don't know if it's your style....
Him: The way you dress...
Me:How now?
Him: I am not quite sure..
Me:Tomboy?
Him: Nooooo!!!Tomboy's give off the 'hey I am a lesbian kinda vyb"
Me: Aaaaaaah!!!
Him: You give off that traditional masculine vyb...
Me:*faints*
Hahahahaha...what the fuck is that though...

Labels...shaking my damn head... 

Unpredictable

Unpredictability has always made me uncomfortable,
Certainty is something I chase,
Something I live for,
I always want to know what will happen next,
Unpredictability I am learning to embrace you,
I am fighting myself to trust you,
To go with the flow,
One minute I am extatic the next broken,
One week I am pumped and have energy the next lethargic,
One second I am elated the next I want to hide,
One month hope fills my soul the next thoughts of death plague me,
Unpredictability you have been unkind to me,
I perceive you as the enemy,
I wonder if things were certain would I approach things differently or would I do the same things over and over again expecting a different result,
The roller coaster that is my life feels not worth it,
It will make me stronger they say,
It is in your past they say,
It will get better they say,
Temporary this moment is,
Forever is waiting...
what if I don't want forever...
What if I don't want strength,
What if I just want to cry like an infant...
have someone sooth me like a toddler,
What if just for a moment I could be raw,
emotional,trusting,open...
What if just for a moment I could have a glimpse of certainty,
Just for a moment have the rollercoaster ride pause...
Unpredictability I will eventually embrace you...
but right now I hate you...

Small...

There is something different this time round,
There is a heaviness
a cloudiness
an apathetic crossroad,
Just do it
I tell myself
but that darkness
almost crippling
Rise up and fight
I cheer myself
It's different though
this time
the warrior has taken a nap
something on the inside is
working overtime to keep me small....

Hypothesis Findings

A few months ago I blogged about a hypothesis I have thought about for a while here http://bit.ly/1Cwew1X.

I promised to get back to you based on my findings and let me just say I think that it is a very real phenomenon this lesbian calendar.

I will not delve into too much detail mainly because I am kinda smitten. When this dyke is smitten her writing is no longer objective...lol!!

Anyway, let's just say that the amount of time spent together versus the level of intensity do no add up...hahahahahahahahaha...yes I am actually laughing at myself...have been for a while now.

I will give you all the dirty details but a bit later, let's see how far this calendar will take me.

Curses

I curse the day I saw your pain, undigested sadness, unexpressed anger, unseen truths as my own reflection.

I curse the paths we walked sharing our shadow freely, like friends on a confusing journey in time everyday

I curse the thought to question your darkness, to want to set you free from your experiences I realize it was my own projection.

I curse the bed where our scars crossed.
Where you brew colorful portions under Jezebels tongue to feed my lust everyday.

I curse the deep primal wounds that bridged our hearts,
mistaking unboundaried fusion with actual closeness,hiding in your presence such as I could not exist as a separate entity.

I curse the passion that caused our wires to get all mixed up
Your reflection
My projection
everyday 

Our wounds way of getting the best of us forms a destructive battleground.
I free you...

wound-mate
scar-crossed lover...free yourself

This is not your destiny.
This is not my destiny

 

Muthoni Ngige