Little Gem...

I found this beautiful gem on Huffington Post. I have edited it, however for anyone stuck in the murk that is queer self discovery this is a good read.

Dear Little Rickey (or any other young gay man just finding his way),

I'm about to talk to you. Not in a bad way. Consider it more like your own mini-version of "Back To The Future." I know you don't know what that means, but just trust me, when you catch up to it you'll love that movie.

You see, I'm chatting with you right now to pass back some assurance, insights, and monkey-mind-quieting advice for you to use as you journey towards becoming the man you're going to be—a proud, scared, confused, strong, intuitive, fun-loving, gay man! Now, I know it's a bit early for us to talk about gender identity, sexuality, sexual orientation, and sex, so let's start at the beginning.

Don't Let Sex Become a Hang Up: 
So, here's your first piece of advice: sex and sexuality, which involves that little penis nub right below your belly button, is a beautiful thing. And yes, it's okay to touch yourself down there. Just make sure it doesn't become an obsession ... it could get in the way of safely driving a car.

Know That The World Is Changing (For The Better)
In a few years, the world is really going to begin to change about this thing called sexuality.

You'll Be Different And That's Okay
But, enough about the historical stuff. I want to talk about our "stuff". Here's the deal: We're going to grow up being curious about our bodies, especially our penis, like most guys do. Then, we're going to start discovering our feelings, looking at other guys (and some girls), and we're going to discover that something just isn't adding up.

As much as we'd like to be like the rest of the guys, tongue twisting with the girls, it just isn't going to be what we're fond of. Don't get me wrong, kissing is awesome; however, when it comes to throat-diving with someone, you're going to suddenly find that you'd rather be doing it with Michael, rather than Mindy. Sure, you'll give it try with Theresa, Kim, Jennifer, Barbie (no, not the doll), and even a Shari, but it just won't work.

You'll try to hide what you're feeling, but it's not going to be who you really are. You'll know that, you just won't completely understand it for awhile, so be patient. I wish I could tell you to just go for it and say, "Bite me" (one of the slang phrases that will be popular as you grow older) to everyone who doesn't "get" you. But, I'm going to suggest that you stand your ground, trust yourself to be yourself and know that one day, you'll have a life better than you ever imagined possible.

Here's a few other things I want you know. (I don't want to give away too much because I want you to have a great life experience):

1. You are who you are, plain and simple.

2. Pretending sucks. Reality rocks.

3. Making others comfortable with you is not your responsibility.

4. You're going to love and be loved. You're also going to dislike and be disliked. Choose the first combo; it's much more fun.

5. Don't worry about what you've done wrong. Just always learn from it.

6. It is not selfish to take care of you first.

7. You will have what you desire, provided you ask for it, and only ask for it if it's in your best interest.

8. Make sure that what you expect from others, you are willing for them to expect from you.

9. Try to learn that everything is happening for you, not to you (even the trip to the principal's office for an insane reason that Sarah made up).

10. Speak when it makes a difference, and stay quiet when it makes sense.

For the full article click:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/18/gay-men-letter-younger-self-_n_6180804.html

23/11/90-23/11/14

In the hippie 90's a beautifully broken soul was born,
A cute,incessantly crying, chubby,queer baby,
Twenty four years later and she wants to be that baby again,
She wants to be loved and protected by the very people that brought her into this world,
She wants a pat on the back,a hug and she yearns for an I love you...heck!just a happy birthday from the human beings that claim to be your parents would suffice,
She has learnt that to bring a child into this world unplanned is the most selfish act,
She is twenty four going on fifty,
She is growing up waaaay too quickly,
Anxiety and crisis mode are beginning to feel like the norm,
In her twenty four years of life her twenty third had the most lessons,
She has learnt that strength and resilience are suits that have helped her survive,
But survival not being all too inspiring,
She wants to live for now, for today...
to breathe in the the crisp air today...
But this beautifully broken girl is stuck in the future past,
She has learnt to love self despite the chaos,
She has learnt that friendship is a word that is thrown around often meaning nothing,
She now knows that darkness all too well,
She feels it lurking in the shadows
That nagging feeling that death could be the easier way out,
That constant feeling of walking through fog,
No clear path in sight is her new normal...quarter life crisis they call it,
Unseeing the injustice, humiliation and otherness that women  and queer folk are subjected to has become increasingly difficult,
Being a feminist in a world filled with male dogma is difficult,
She battles with self doubt but interestingly knows her worth only too well,
She now knows that love is not a feeling rather a deliberate choice to commit,
Lust is something that ignites her soul,
getting lost in a world where fantasy and reality collide,
Loyalty the only code she abides by,
Rejection her biggest fear,
Stifling the man in the arena,
The voice in her head being her worst nightmare,
Her worst critic and cheerleader rolled into one,
She loathes her sexuality because of lack of expression
She loves it because love is love is love,
She is better than she ever has been...
having experienced the worst that it could ever get...
Or at the very least hopes it can never get worse than her twenty third....

The Fucked Up Beauty Standard

 Tina Fey from her Book Bossy Pants

Expression Without Words...

All Art Courteousy of Artists on Pinterest

Ugly Beautiful....

you brought the nothingness out of me

and it was rather comforting

to be left alone in the darkness,

where the deepest darkness of me bloomed

and I felt broken.

i watched my nightmares come with smiles

and they greeted me with laughter

and i learned something new about myself:

that I was not weird, crazy or strange.

I just saw the world differently

and that made me more beautiful

than you could ever imagine...

r.m. drake

LoveHate Thing

"LoveHate Thing"

[Hook:]
Hold me tight, let me go
Heal my heart, hurt my soul
Build me up, break me down
Make me smile, make me frown
Give me love, take it all away again
Give me love, take it all away again

[Bridge 2x:]
Give me love baby
Not enough, not enough, just a touch baby
What the fuck baby, it's just us baby
This ain't right, this is life
This is love hate thing

Lyrics of LoveHate thing WALE ft SAM DEW

Religious Non-Conformist

I was in heaven over the weekend. Yup! you read right... I was in heaven.

The religious intolerant construct of heaven being somewhere past the skies and hell being somewhere below us does not register in my mind. A heap of re-purposed bovine waste is what I like to call it.
This week marks a lot of things for me but the most important mark of this week is that it has been a year since I divorced the church.

A lot of things have happened this year that has pushed me further away from the church and the religious constraint that I have suffered all of my life. I use suffer because my faith has never been my own. My faith has been imposed by my mother, the religious dominance I have undergone all through my school years, the persecution that I have suffered at the hand of those wielding the name of god, the lack of queer support the very church I profess my faith to cannot condone after all "I am the agent of the devil," they say.

I was brought up in a very conflicted space where one parent was a religious nazi, the other an atheist. I however began to question the position of the church in my life once I came out. It occurred to me very quickly that the space I go to every Sunday like the good christian girl I was raised to be, the space that would have me part with money in the name of tithe and giving back to Caesar, the space that would leave me feeling more a sinner than worthy, the space that preaches god hates homos...leviticus this...genesis that, fags are depraved scum of the earth. All this got me questioning why I would give one day in the week to a body that would shun me the moment they found out I was gay.

The first few months were hard. I was riddled with guilt and feelings of being unworthy because god did not love me. How can they love someone who cannot give even a few hours a week to praise and give thanks blah!blah!!!! I even used to wait for the moment when lightning will strike me..lol!! I was also expecting that life as I know it would turn for the worst and I would suffer endless torment until the day I went back to church...lol!!

My year away from the church has taught me a couple of things about myself. One, heaven is indeed on earth. I was there yesterday. I experienced heaven all weekend in the most serene environment with the most amazing people I realized that if I keep holding on to this construct of heaven being an unattainable place in the sky then I miss the moments on earth that make life heavenly.

Two, I have been outsourcing my strengths to a being that was brought to Africa by missionaries. My life away from the church has never been better. For the most part of the year I was in a beautiful relationship...with a woman. My self confidence has doubled. My ability to hold down a job exists...lol!! My ability to be patient and resilient has come through this year. I am a better person than I was a year ago. My reasoning is that without that default being to lean on as we are brainwashed to believe, I began to lean on myself for all the things I prayed that I wished I could be. My strengths were there all along, I was just too busy praying for strength than actually being strong.

Three, life is just that life. Where or not I am a prayerful woman is irrelevant. My journey is my journey and I am the only one standing in my way. It is not bad luck or other people's fault, it's all me. My ability to succeed or fail is solely determined by me and the possibilities I create for myself. I know this sounds a bit preachy and cliche..lol!!!

Four, I am definitely not going back to that place they call holy. Because behind the word holy lies a whole lot of hate for queer folk, for people who are different. Because the word church, god, prayer, bible, pastor, priest have been used as weapons of persecution. I am done conforming to religious dogma and bigotry. I am done supporting a place that will never ever support someone like me.

Queer

10 random musings

1. When they say dreads equals patience they where extremely accurate.

2.The only reason I miss relationships is because of the little things. Been reading a lesbian blog for most of the afternoon,got me feeling mushy.

3. I am currently having a lucky streak but feeling very unlucky...fuck emotions.

4. Been in bed all day...me time...

5. Suffering from major quarter life crisis...meh!!!

6. I just want to spoon with someone and watch a movie or something cheesy like that; if not that a J and Chicken inn would suffice...lol!!

7. I am excited and terrified with the direction my life is taking. Being the woman in the arena is easier said than done.

8. I want to buy art sooooo bad; yesterday at the Kenya Art Fair made me feel like I cannot wait to have my own space with white walls and pieces of Kenyan art.

9. I want another piece of ink before the end of the year.

10. I want a sneak peak into my future; the uncertainty of my present is stifling.

H.U.M.A.N

In the Arena

“It’s not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. 

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred with the sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; 

Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause and who, at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”.  

-Theodore Roosevelt, 1858-1919, 26th US President and 1906 Nobel Peace Prize-winner.

of activism and thankyou....

Activism is not a word synonymous with my personality. I am a believer in that very fucked up notion of "if it aint broke...don't fix it."

This entry however, is my tribute to all the LGBTQI activists in my country.
I just wanted to say asante for fighting for my ungrateful ass,
As I am busy cowering in the shadows,
Afraid to speak up,
Afraid to be seen, to be said, to be heard,
Thank you for putting your faces on the frontline,
Open to persecution, ridicule and bigotry,
Asante for the current space and how far queer rights have come along,
Thank you for heckling and shouting at the top of your voices,
Thank you for not accepting the mediocre,
Thank you for not being a coward like me,
Thank you because I know that one day it will get better,
And the reason for that one day is solely because of you,
Your bravery,
Resilience,
And most importantly being powerful in the face of NO....
Asante!!!!