Caught a feeling

It is easier to hate you,
Because admitting how much I love you is too hard...

Almost that time...

This basically sums up how I feel about new year's and resolutions. I made so many for 2013 and to be honest life has thrown so many curve balls my way that 2014 all I will do is hold on to the lessons I have learnt this year and capitalise on that. Minus the usual I have to get fit resolution...

2014 I am ready for what you have to offer. If there is one thing I picked up from this year is how unpredictable life is. So I will not overthink or over analyse anything. Live for the moment and live for today.

gay and proud...not?

I had a crazy weekend, minus the fact that it was my 23rd birthday I met new gay people which got me thinking. Would I leave this country so that I can be openly gay?

I ask this because I met a very beautiful man. Yes! people beautiful and man go hand in hand when it comes to this particular guy. When I saw him I thought right of the bat that he is transgender and I proceeded to ask him if he is trans but he told me that he is very gay...lol! Trust me he was very gay, make up,leggings,girls jacket..the full works.
I am not stereotypically gay. Like I very easily pass off for straight. Minus my new hair cut you would not think I am gay. I do not consider myself closeted... I have come out to people who matter in my life except my family because that is too crazy, I will deal with it when I deal with it. When I saw him he automatically made me feel like it is ok to be myself. It is ok to be gay and proud and be comfortable in my own skin. Hell! He was a man with make up...how more gay and proud could you be?

But I cannot seem to get to that place where I check into a space and exude gay pride because of the stigma attached with being gay in Kenya. First of all, it is illegal in accordance with the law, so being open and proud to love who you love is really really hard without constantly looking over your shoulder or sneaking around.

Second, Kenya is in a weird space where people have choosen not to talk about it and look the other way. Even us gays are cowering away because of fear of stigma and the law. I believe that for a revolution to happen we require critical mass to change and educate minds on homosexuality. It is not sex it is sexuality.

All this always makes me wonder if I had the chance to leave my beautiful country just to be openly gay...would I? Would I leave everybody I love, all I have ever known just to be me, to be free? Or should I stick around and fight to form the critical mass? Fight not for me but for my kids to be free and love who they love.

what just happened...

Eeeeermm!!
We are friends,
We are not,
I am not supposed to keep thinking about that kiss,
I was drunk,
I was not supposed to remember,
Hell! I was not meant to like it,
But I did,
And now I can't get you out of my mind,
It makes me wonder,
If you were what I was looking for,
What I am looking for,
Literally right in front of me,
But it was just a kiss,
Beautiful,
Sexy,
Full of emotion,
Gah!!get out of my head already,
We are friends....lol!!

When things get rough,
You are meant to adapt,
Shake off your pride and adapt,
But when the darkness feels more than the light,
That tunnel is so far out sight,
When hope starts fleeting,
Clutching,
Spent,
But you have to keep on keeping on,
Because all you have is,
STRENGTH!!!

missings...

I remember the first time I had you,
An instantenous mood lift,
What had I been missing?
Fuck!it was you all along,
The void in my soul,
Filled with happy,
Free,
You always stretched your hand when I needed you,
Comforted me,
Loved me,
Made me feel good,
Invincible,
Now your are gone,
I miss you,
I miss you so much,
I think about you all the time,
Wish you could stretch your hand,
Just one more time,
Dependency had become that thief at night,
An escape from what is right,
I have learnt to cope without you,
But I crave that hug,
That warmth,
That company you brought to my life,
But you are not good for me,
I know that now,
But missing you,
That is one thing I will always do...

Demons by imaginary dragons

straight girls..

There is definitely thrill, a rush of excitement, and some extra oomph when it comes to chasing a straight girl. You get sucked in the notion that you could possibly change her. Only if she gives you the chance to show her how beautiful the other side is. You get lost in the clouds, in the fantasy that you could wife the girl and make her gay. There is some misconception that straight girls and for purposes of this blog, bisexuals, bisexuals not because I feel like they are a bit slutty with the whole switch hit thing but because at the end of it all they will get married to a man, why? You ask...well!!! Because they can. Wow!!! I am side tracking...anyway the misconception is that straight girls have a little lesbian in them tucked in somewhere. All we need to do is flick that switch and boom!!! She is gay.

I have been a victim of this and it literally feels like a dog chasing its own tail, we all know how that ends. However, bitterness aside...lol!!!...there are a few lessons I picked from the straight girl chasing mess.

Number one; stick to your guns. By this I mean, I swore on my grandpa's grave that I would never let myself get trapped in a straight woman's spell. I constantly kept reminding myself that it is not worth it every time I let my mind go astray. And there I was falling deeper and deeper for this straight girl but once I snapped out of it I realised I should have stuck to my "no falling for straight girls" rule and I would be one heart break short.

Number two; straight girls are just that straight...period!!!! No amount of wooing, coaxing, convincing, witchcraft, prayer will ever turn them gay. Once in a while they will dip into the gay pool but it’s for experiments sake. Do not hold your breath and expect that they will eventually come out to you and thank you for turning them.

Number three; it is a bit harsh but straight girls should never be taken seriously. They will not want to break your heart so they will keep on going with the flow. The baby's, I miss you's, I love you too's will be there is plenty. Do not under any circumstance let yourself get carried away. It is a facade and they will eventually break your heart. Totally not worth it.'

Finally lesson number four. You can never compete with dick. If the bitch wants dick there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Get your mind off dildo's and vibrator's that is not dick that is a sex toy. Straight girls are just that straight do not fall into that trap. Take it from me...IT IS NOT WORTH IT...

Its all your fault by pink

Beautifully broken...

Happy but cannot stop crying,
Sad but cannot stop smiling,
Hopeful but hopeless,
Cheerful but gloomy,
Love and hate,
Positivity and negativity,
Filled with mixed emotion,
Head spinning around and around,
Thoughts flooding my mind,
Good,
Bad,
Resentful,
Angry,
Wish I could snap out of this,
But that is not how it works,
I have to feel the pain to deal with it,
No longer numb,
No longer escaping,
No longer running ,
But facing it is easier said than done,
Feels like dancing with the devil,
Sat directly in the pits of hell,
Happy one day broken the next,
Hopeful for that light but engulfed by darkeness,
Behind my smile is emotional debris,
Beautifully Broken!!!

other side

Stuck between hope and love,

Stuck between trust and doubt,

Stuck between happy and sad,

Helplessness,

All I see is a shell,

All of you has been scooped out,

Replaced with the bottle,

Hopeful that you will one day come back,

But I know that it is a long shot,

Maybe some of you,

Just a little bit,

That is all I ask,

That one day you will come back,

Hopeful that I will not be tired of waiting,

You are a skeleton of your former self,

It breaks my heart,

That a liquid can change you,

A seemingly harmless liquid,

Can turn you into someone unrecognisable,

Stuck between negativity and positivity,

Stuck between clarity and confusion,

Stuck between pity and disgust,

Helplessness.

pray the gay away..

I had an amazing weekend. It was one that I honestly did not see coming but it was such a pleasant surprise. I was at the Nest, an arts organisation for rewind-fastfoward, a theatre forum gig. I got to interact with a group of different yet very dynamic minds and it was such a breathe of fresh air seeing as I had really been craving a different kind of chill plan.

I was talking to a friend of mine basically about how hard it is to come out and the kind of personal demons you have to overcome. And she said something that resonated in my mind. She said, "I always used to ask myself why I have a boyfriend but he feels like a brother?"

This statement almost immediately answered why I struggled so much with men and sustaining a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with men. I am not a man-basher, man-hater whatever you want to call it. Besides my closest friends are men. I cannot look you with a straight face and tell you that when I used to have sex with men I hated it.

In that moment I realised what the problem was, I was never emotionally present. For any relationship to succeed in my opinion you have to be emotionally and physically present. You can be physically compatible with almost anybody but emotional connection is of fundamental importance. Atleast for me anyway. When I was still accepting my sexuality I went on a man-bender. I was literally trying to fill a void, excuse my French, with dick. I was trying to force myself to believe that sex with men is ok even though my mind was never in it. I battled with wondering how I could be having so much sex but not have any emotional connection. I cried and beat myself up so much because I thought I was broken. Why were all my girl friends so emotionally entangled with the men they were having sex with but for me I felt nothing. I was never emotionally present.

This may be one of the answers to the question "why you cannot pray the gay away." When I had sex again this time when I had accepted my sexuality with a woman I felt things. I felt my pussy juices flowing,my nipples erect, my body quiver with every orgasm. It was different this time, my mind was in it...I did not stray...all my attention and focus was on making her feel good...it was effortless...I was not trying too hard...I loved it.

A little dose of feminism...lol!!!

growth...

Growing up is never the problem. The problem is accepting the harsh reality that if your not growing at the same rate with your friends you have to cut them off. It does not matter if you have grown up together or known each other for a substantial part of your life. But if you are not growing together you have to cut them off. Because the sad reality is that if you do not cut them off they will drag you down. Fuck!reality it is shockingly brutal.

emotional flat-line...

Beep!beep!beep!
The first sign of life,
Of hope,
A pulse,
On my emotional flat-line,
I was numb,
Walls up,
Guard up,
A total doubting Thomas,
I met her,
She makes me feel things,
Good things,
She has taken over all of my thoughts,
And I love it,
She makes me feel like it's ok,
Ok!to feel love,
To feel emotion,
To feel all giddy inside,
To not be afraid of happiness,
Even though we don't end up together forever,
She has re-awoken my emotion,
Fate has a way of doing unexplainable things,
Am happy she brought this little surprise my way...so stoked!!!

October 5th

Graduation in my country is a really big deal. People tend to really fuss over it. There is a lot of dramatisation and a false sense of pride. However, what I envisioned in my head as the outcome of this "big" day was nothing I saw coming.

Perception is something that informs decisions more than we think. Perception makes you come to conclusions that are not yours to make. People I was sure would come out with honours came out with passes and vice versa. Taught me one thing, do not let perception fool you.

First degree down and lesson two I would be stupid to repeat the same mistakes. Focus is my number one drive. I will not over analyse things I have one sole goal right now and that is to become the best health lawyer I could possibly be. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Lesson three, I am glad for this year. It has taught me a lot on placing the name friend. I used to throw around that word because it felt prestigious. Gave me a feeling of belonging. But October 5th taught me a few things about that friend word. That's the most permanent lesson I got. It is very bitter-sweet but am wiser now.

my new found love for pencil art...

Big thumbs up to the artists who drew this. Art brings a little sunshine to my life.


P.S All this art is in pencil.

escape

Just one more toke,
Just one more shot,
Just one more line,
Just one more high,
To take your mind on a trip,
A euphoric trip,
The kind where roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Where cloud nine is overrated,
The kind where just for a few minutes,
You experience an out of body experience,
An escape,
Your skeletons are breaking down your closet,
One more toke to keep them at bay,
Deal with your shit,
Not today though,
Just one more line,
To run away,
From the inevitable,
To chase away the shakes,
To cope,
Your body is willing but your mind betrays you,
Those skeletons again,
Bang!bang!bang!!,
Just one more shot,
Tomorrow is a new day skeletons,
I need to run,
But you are shackled to my foot,
Like a shadow you stalk me,
Lurking,
Waiting for the moment sober kicks in,
And there you are again,
Bang!bang!bang!!!
Just one more shot,
One more toke,
One more line,
One more high,
An escape.

of witchcraft, superstition and other shinnanigans..

I am the kind of person who is governed by science. For me, explanation for many things lies in science. I have never really paid attention to the world of witchcraft and superstition. That in my opinion is a bunch of hocas pocas nobody has time for. I have not been brought up in a family or community that is overly superstitious or interacts with any form of witchcraft. Minus the occasional black cat crossing the road, and why shouldn't a cat which is black in colour cross the road, I have never really interacted much with superstitious types or witchcraft believers.

Yesterday however, something very perplexing happened. I was watching local news and their headline story was that of a young girl from the Coast. She has been taking a dump, but get this, she shits metal objects. Yes my dear readers you read right. It immediately struck me as some badly written Nigerian movie script. As I continued watching the girl explained that she was cursed by a man in her sleep and the man cursed her to shit metal objects as long as she lives. Eeeeeerm!!! Hold up...what do you mean she was cursed in her dreams. Excuse me, last I checked your dreams are supposed to be an escape into the unreal but should not haunt you when your awake. The thing that tripped me out the most is that she was actually shitting spoons, knives, nails, scissors, screw drivers which were all rusty as fuck. And get this, they did not have even a drop of blood or faecal matter on them.

I do not believe in this at all so I fall back to science for an explanation. It is not logically possible for a nail leave alone a pair of scissors to pass through the rectum leave alone your intestines without puncturing them and causing severe bleeding. An x-ray was taken and it came out clean. I don't know, even extreme skeptics like myself find this a tad difficult to explain without involving the supernatural. Today happens to be Friday the 13th and we all know how that goes. Extremely superstitious day, not too sure whether, with the risk of coming off racist, it is a white people thing. Oh!well...let's see what happens today.

Bigger man...

"Oh!come on, just be the bigger man",
"Just swallow your pride"
No I will not,
I will not because sometimes,
Just sometimes I want to be childish,
I want to be petty,
I want to be the smaller man,
I want to go on immaturity highway,
And milk it,
Can't I just be angry,
Can't I just flip out,
Can't I be pist the fuck off,
Deal with it the way I want to,
Not the way you want me to,
Not the way the world expects me to react,
To feel,
It is not silent treatment,
I just do not want to talk,
Not now,
Just leave me be,
Let me be a baby about it,
A big baby,
Let me vent,
Scream, shout, throw a bitch fit,
Let me hate you,
Even if it is just for a while,
Let me be ANGRY,
It is healthy to feel anger,
Not hold on to it,
But let me be just that,
ANGRY,
I will come around,
I promise,
But you cannot expect me to stuff my angry feelings somewhere in a corner,
And be the bigger man,
Because I will not.
I am not about that life.

Mine is a world...

Mine is a world of pen and paper.
Mine is a world made by my great Maker,
Mine is a world stuck in my head,
A constant battle with my introversy,
Mine is a world where I over think every thought,
Second guess every idea,
Mine is a world of emotional numbness,
Flat-lined,
Mine is a world where I bleed on the inside,
Beam on the outside,
Mine is a world of craving,
Craving greatness,
Having no idea how to reach it,
Clutching at straws,
Mine is a world where am on the outside looking in,
Loving the outside but envying the inside,
Mine is a world where smiles are scarce,
Mine is a world where happiness is estranged,
Afraid to feel it,
Afraid to find it,
Confused if I even know what it is,
Mine is a world where roses are black, violets are grey,
Mine is a world filled with hope for future prosperity,
I know I will get there some day.

Transitioning...

Kenya is in a funny place...I like to call it transitioning. It is that place between skirts and trousers, minis and maxis, house wife and working woman, mother and cooperate boss. We are in transition; transition between tradition and modernity.

We are in that weird space where a man wonders whether he can get a woman who can and cook and clean while at the same time work and be a career woman.We are in a time where people wonder whether to accept or tolerate the gays. We are transitioning in thought and action of what this new age century really wants. People are holding on to conservatism but dipping in the risqué pool. People want to try and let loose, y.o.l.o, people want to be daring, they want to experiment. They crave danger and yearn for attention.

But we are stunted by tradition, plagued by the notion that we can be sinners but still be saints. We can have our cake and eat it. You can judge a woman for partying and smoking yet a man can freely do it. We are trying to break away from patriachy but bitch when a man does not hold up his end of being provider. Women are fighting for gender equality in a government which is a cock fest. Trying to pass a marriage bill that will shackle the legs of men, tame them.

I am curious to see where Kenya will end up. Whether we will accept to embrace modernity or be pinned down by the lifestyle of our ancestors.

of feminism and other things...

For the longest time I always thought that being a feminist is being all about women empowerment. I was extremely wrong. After interacting with a couple of feminists of late I do not think that feminist is a word I would use to describe myself, a radical feminist for that matter.

Am from the school of thought which is informed by current affairs. By this I mean, am definitely all for women empowerment and gender equality, I mean I love women it's only natural. However, I believe that the male child is slowly becoming the victim. Gone are the days when men are still thought of as the alpha. Me thinks, after years of empowerment women have slowly morphed into bitchipendents, colloquial term to mean a woman who can hold her own, does not need a man to pay the bills and buy her weave but flaunts her money and is basically a bitch because of her bank account. Men are becoming more and more emasculated because nobody is paying attention to them. Rules of tradition dictate that the man was the head, sole provider, the king. Today, not so much, women have become so empowered and rights sensitive but we forgot about the boy child who is slowly becoming the extinct in terms of relevance.

I am from the school of thought where I think that women are their own worst enemies. There was a time during my morning commute a famous controversial radio show was on, topic of the day abortion. What shocked me the most is that out of around 15 calls 13 were women and out of the 13 only one called in to actually defend women and give other reasons why a woman would end up procuring an abortion. 12 of them called in to bash women and to give examples of fellow women who have had multiple abortions and to throw shade at women.

I am from the school of thought where I strongly believe that women in power are crucified more than men in power. Just look at what happened to Kethi Kilonzo, Raphael Tuju's, Shollei Boss and as recent as two days ago Rachel Shebesh was slapped by a governor. By this I mean that so many times when a woman in power does something scandalous or controversial the amount of scrutiny that she will get cannot be compared to a man in the same position having done the same thing. Rules of patriachy I guess.

I am still trying to figure out on a scale of one to feminist how feminist I am but for now I know that I have a very liberal approach to feminism, I am not a male basher and I am a strong supporter of gender equality and human rights.

of being maternal and other things...

If you ask me, the last thing I would ever describe myself as is maternal. I don't like kids, I think they poop a lot, cry a lot and just don't know when to shut up. That was me, a few years back. I am not exactly a kids person per say but the interesting thing is that kids just like me. With the risk of sounding like am tooting my own horn I am a baby magnet. Kids just love me. I don't think I do anything cute and cuddly around them but for some reason kids get along with me. I can't explain it but someone once told me it is a good thing because I am naturally maternal. I don't really know what that means but it makes me go to this place where I wonder how I will be if I ever became a mum. I wonder whether being gay will affect my chances of having a cute cuddly baby of my own. Whether the law will ever change to allow homosexuals to adopt. I wonder whether we will ever be recognised as having the same rights. The right to love whoever you want to love. I love this new trait I have discovered about myself. Who knew being maternal is a good thing. I am still not crazy about kids but am sure glad there is something in me that makes kids comfortable, loved and nurtured when they are around me.

Conflicted silence...

Doom,

Gloom,

No more boom!

No more screaming,

No more shouting,

When anger turns to sadness,

Then back to anger,

When your screaming and kicking,

Throwing things,

Cussing,

But its all in your head,

That's conflicted silence,

When I want to shout fuck you!to the world,

But silence be gets me,

When anger turns to sadness,

That's conflicted silence.

Expert advice for wanna be writers

If you want to be a writer, write. Write again, write some more, and even when no one has time to read your stuff, write it anyway.

                                                                                         -Oyunga Pala

Suits and boobs....

Am on quite the roll today, I think its something to do with the lack of lights, no woman in my bed, rain, beautiful weather, I love the cold  by the way...oooops!am side tracking. There is something about a butch woman, not any kind of butch, the kind who wears fitting pants not saggy ones, the kind who wears button-down shirts and not tee shirts, the kind who will put on bow ties and suspendors, the kind not afraid to throw on a three-piece suit tailored to perfection. There is something about a woman not afraid to play with masculinity but not loose her femininity. As I write this a certain butch comes to mind, woof!she is the kind of woman who oozes sex appeal just by the way she is dressed. Makes my panties a little wet.

I love a woman who is not into suits but will wear it because she knows you like how she looks. A woman with a surprisingly trashy bra under that suit.Three words. Ties. Cufflinks. Vests. Bow ties that can untie. French-cut dress shirts and cuff links.

. 

Ties, button down shirts, blazers, belts, shoes, watches. A good scent and am not talking about a man's cologne, a light fruity-musk will do, the kind that makes me want to eat you up. Last but not least well maintained hair. There is something about this kind of a woman...

Birthday people and not birthday people..

"Oh!my God..it's my birthday month...team Sagitarrius...legoooo!!!!...keep calm!it's my birthday week...can't wait...exciiiiited..." Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...."

Over the years, through my different ages I have come to notice one thing...there are birthday people and not birthday people. Birthday people are those guys who cannot, excuse my French, shut up about their birthday. They will talk about their previous birthday all year round and especially bore us to death when their birthday month reaches. These are the kind of people who will fuss, bordering hysteria when it comes to this "special" dates. They will demand attention, gifts, time...you could think birthdays are an accomplishment. These types, for your information, annoy and irritate me...a lot.

"Uuuuuuum...what day is this? *checkscalendar*...holy fuck!I forgot...it's my birthday."

I fall in the not birthday people category. Maybe it's because I am slightly morbid with a splash of cynicism but mostly it's because I hate being centre of attention. People like me simply do not give two shits about our birthdays. Sure we will have a shot or the whole bottle but we do not make a big deal out of it. The hulla ballo and pretence surrounding the party is exhausting for us. We are better off celebrating with close friends, monkeying around and making memories with people that matter. As opposed to screaming through the rooftops "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY" the whole world will acknowledge it with a wish but roll their eyes behind your back. The whole world will show up for free food and drinks and gossip about how boring the party was. The whole world will show up just to be seen, to be said, to be heard, to Instagram that they came, but when real shit going down booboo, the world will be nowhere go be found.

Do not get me wrong, hulla ballo is a good thing...I just prefer mine dialled down a notch.

30-year old me...

People fret alot at the thought of turning an year older,

For most it is an uncomfortable unsure feeling,

Almost gut wrenching,

Not me though,

Something about turning 30 excites me,

Gives me butterflies,

A bitter sweet jittery feeling,

I am hopeful that by 30 I will be at the top of my game,

Cannot wait to see how much I would have grown,

Cannot wait to see who will have stuck it out with me,

Can't wait to look back and reminisce on my good ol' twenties,

Can't wait to meet the 30 year old me,

I bet she will be to die for.

Ignorance is not bliss

It was one of those days, I was lazily dragging my feet across the busy and chaotic town of Nairobi. I was secretly hoping that class is cancelled before I get there when I bumped into someone I know. After the very unnecessary small talk, he tells me that for the life of him he cannot remember where he parked his car. After a quick consolation he blurts out "ama ni A.D.D" "Hooooold!!!!up...what did you just say? Did you just attribute forgetting where you parked to having A.D.D." That was the first thought that crossed my mind.

Here is my problem, first of all attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is an actual mental illness that people go through. Excuse my French but what the fuck!! You think it is cool to throw around words because you think you are smart but with the risk of sounding like an absolute bitch, ignorance, me thinks, is not bliss. This guy probably does not even know what A.D.D stands for, leave alone the fact that it is no longer called A.D.D but A.D.H.D. This is an actual serious disorder characterised primarily by inattention, easy distractibility, disorganisation, procastination and forgetfulness not forgetting where you parked your car and people live their whole lives through medication to try and control it. It is not a funny disease, it is not a word you casually throw around because you think it makes you look smart. On the contrary, you come off like an ignorant prick and trust me that is not a good look.

I have come across very many people like this guy who simply do not give a rat's ass about what is going on in the world. It is of absolute importance that people realise that keeping tabs on the latest tweet is not cool, being cool is actually caring about what is happening around you. Being in touch with national and international matters. Real shit is going down in the world and I do not mean your next Instagram upload.

Ignorance is not bliss, read a book, your brain wun't pain...

of identity and other things..

  My first "gay" party was on May 17th, during IDAHOBIT, this was basically our pride day. We still have a long way to go in terms of acceptance and breaking conservative norms but what stood out the most to me is the fine line between butch and femme. There were girls in sagged jeans and boxer shorts with punk hair cuts and piercings. The kind of girls who look like they could punch you in the face for just saying hi. Then there were the girls with jump suits, lots of make up and 6 inch heels. Then there was little old me, khakis, a braided up do and purple lips. I felt like a kid on their first day of school, I simply could not fit in. This brings me to blog about identity and where you place yourself in the lesbian world. Problem is, my dear readers, that I simply have no idea which category I fall. I know for a fact that you would only catch me dead in baggy jeans and boxer shorts but at the same time I do not do dresses and heels. I love my mascara,eye liner and of course my pink lip stick  but I do not particularly feel like I conform to being femme. I am me, I ooze femininity but I think butch. I love my make up but I would never wear a dress. My jeans are always  very fitting but I love my converse too. Why can't we just be gay and love who we love. It is hard enough that I already identify as queer in a country which is plagued by social norm and heterosexuality.

Kiyomi Mcloskey, lead singer and guitarist for Hunter Valentine an alternative rock band said, "for me, I embrace them. However much I like being a tomboyish woman if I want to wear lipstick and show my cleavage, I will. I do not live by the definitions of anyone else's opinion of what I should be. I really respect the individuals who laid down the ground work for our community, but I feel like people should be open on any given day. The fact that we spend time and energy telling people they cannot be who they are is very surprising. We are meant to be open."

And with that my dear people, I am who I am. I love women, I love converse, I love my pink lipstick. Fuck labels, its never that serious.

Need inspiration...

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!writers block....:(

Am too fat because am too skinny..

I have always been that girl with an apple bottom, the kind that T-pain talks about. I have always been that girl with juicy thunder thighs and a boooootay for days. Anyway that being said, I lost a couple of kilos of late and I don't think I have gotten so much criticism about my body in my life. Who knew so many people were paying attention. Those were my glory days, my hips swinging from left to right, my round ass very hard of ignore. After a few months of why have you lost so much weight? It started to get to me. I began being very self conscious always paranoid that everyone can notice that am too skinny. Hold up!!I thought skinny was beautiful, I thought that that's what everyone aspires to be...thin!!! So why is everyone giving me so much grief about my weight loss...I thought it was a good thing. I think I forgot to mention that when my apple bottom was busy swinging from left to right everybody kept telling me am too fat,I need to shed off a couple of pounds.

So,this brings me to the whole weight issue and the fact that everybody seems to be too skinny because they are too fat,or too fat because they are too skinny. I know its a paradox but people never seem to be content with how they look. I have been on both sides of this divide and trust me being skinny is super over rated and being fat is equally the same. Bottom line my beautiful people, love yourself whether you are thin or plump..love yourself. I eventually got over the criticism and decided to embrace me. My weight does not define me. So here's my middle finger to all the haters out there. You are beautiful just the way you are.


Listen to the way you are by b.o.b

Maybe change was all I needed...

I have been dreading writing this blog. I have been dancing around it but mostly making excuses for why I should not write it. The law of the jungle is one of survival for the fittest. So when circumstances caused me to survive I had to adapt quickly or get phased out. This is the typical story of friends falling out, it has happened quite a number of times but this fall out was different. I had been stuck in a bubble. This bubble consisted of friendships I thought were loyal, ideologies I thought were reality and a feeling of always wanting to belong. For 6 years of my life I was stuck in this bubble and I was perfectly happy and fine...until the fall out...

I had to adapt, and I had to adapt quickly. Survival was my number one instinct and against my better judgement I decided to branch out, meet new people and this time they had to be completely out of the 'social circle' I had conformed to. And so, my journey began, I started to put myself out there, I say this because believe it or not for 6 years I had surrounded myself with only a select group of individuals totalling 5 people. Don't get me wrong I had very many acquintances but those particular 5 people were my ride or die bitches. I am a very loyal person, so by that fact I chilled with them most all of the time. So imagine my shock,when after the fall out I was slowly edged out and before I knew it, I was on the outside looking in.

Before long, I began to interact with different people, from writers to artists, academics to activists, I  can confidently say I have put myself out there. One of the things that I found really changed for me is the type of conversation I found myself having. If you would have told me 6 years ago that I would be talking about feminism,art,world politics,racism,patriachy,religious non-conformity etc and enjoy it I would probably laugh at you. I slowly realised that gossip is not conversation. If anything, I realised that its even a burden, because after gossiping your left with a secret, and secrets are burdens.

In my bid to put myself out there, I have got to meet thee most amazing and talented people. People who put so much time,love and value to their work every time am around them I want to, with the risk of sounding cheesy, become a better person. People who are not afraid to call you out on your bullshit. People who are so intellectual and fact-based that you cannot have a debate with them if your facts are not in check. I like that, its challenging. People who are interested and conscious  of what is happening in the world, ignorance is NOT bliss.

I could go on and on about my journey of self discovery which is not about to come to an end. The long and short of this blog being,
change is hard,
it is difficult,
it is unsure and full of self doubt,
but change is necessary,
it is good for you,
if your not changing your not growing,
maybe change was all I needed.

A Letter to my Father

I wonder what your reaction was when I was conceived,
I wonder how you felt 9 months later,
This beautiful baby girl,
So innocent, so gentle, so gullible,
I wonder if I was the best thing that ever happened,
Or was I a burden?
Did you look at me and love me,
Or did you loathe me?
Was your every minute consumed with your love for me,
Or was I a waste of time?
I could only wish that I knew the answers,
But your selfishness consumed you,
Time passed by,
22 years later, you are still a perfect stranger,
Almost as if you were a sperm donor,
You never bothered to be part of my life,
I craved a father figure,
But all I got were daddy issues,
I always picture a perfect life,
Where a father wants to know his daughter,
Wants to spend time with me,
Teach me,
Hold me,
Mentor me,
A perfect world where,
We would giggle about the girls I like,
And hate on the ones that break my heart,
You barely ever had time for me,
Barely acknowledged me,
You broke me down with harsh words,
And you killed me with your ignorance,
I would do anything for your approval,
Anything, to get you to notice me,
My love slowly turned to resentment,
I hated you,
Why wouldn't I?
You broke my heart,
In a way that nobody can ever fix,
I look at the world differently now,
Afraid to love because I was never shown love,
Emotionally flat-lined,
I do not believe in relationships,
Because you never showed me what it is to be affectionate,
I do not believe in marriage and family,
Because you broke down ours,
But am ok! now father,
I am ok! because I stopped blaming myself,
Its not my fault that you are such a douchebag,
I did nothing to deserve such treatment,
And so, father, all I can do,
Is pray for you,
Pray that you learn how to forgive yourself,
Because you missed out,
You missed out on getting to know thee most amazing person,
ME!!

of blessings and lack of appreciation...

I have just gotten home and oh!crap there are no lights. I of course curse and get pist off,well, because there are no lights. So I go up to my roof top, light up a doobie as I listen to some Kendrick. So I hear screaming and a thought crosses my mind, "I wish I was them, having a blast on this cold-candlelit night". But the screaming only intensifies and when I look up I see really dark smoke. Oh!!my God...Kibera(the slum I live next to) is burning, a few houses that is. I gaze in utter shock as the screaming only gets louder and louder, people are chanting, blowing whistles trying to alert neighbours and help. I stand on my roof top feeling extremely petty for being angry at having no lights.

It made me think, and especially think of how lucky I am because a swamp is the only divide between me and Kibera. Yet that divide means that I have security, running water, food to eat and electricity. That divide means that I can afford to enjoy the little pleasures life has to offer. The divide means that in all my life I will never need to woke twice as hard as they have to put a meal on the table. I am blessed, yet all I ever do most of the time is complain how unfair life is. It may be unfair but at least I have a bed to sleep. I am not awake trying to put out a fire, wondering where I will put my kids to sleep. Having everything I own burnt to ashes. I am blessed and today I am actually disgusted with myself at how ungrateful I can be when other people are literally struggling to stay alive. Shame on me, and after today I vow to bite my tongue before I complain. Lights are back, and I feel even more ungrateful.

Outside looking in..

Am bending over in pain,

Gut wrenched,

Ouch!!!!!!

How long will this pain last,

Every time I turn around,

Am slapped with the reality,

Reality that I no longer matter,

Ouch!!!!

I have been replaced,

One minute am relevant,

The next, am as irrelevant as the dirt on which they walk on,

Ouch!!!

My heart pains,

Not broken just bent,

Once you realise,

That your ride or die bitches,

Are long gone and moved on,

I was stuck in a bubble,

Assumed that loyalty trumps everything,

Pop!!!!

Goes the sound of the bubble,

And smack in the face,

Is the reality,

That am on the outside looking in.

of religion and non-conforming

I had an amazing time at the Nest yesterday. Met a couple of amazing gays and amidst a lot of conversation and giddy laughter, the question on religion came up. There were definitely a lot of reactions and trust me none of them were in the name of Jesus. "I hate God!, I don't believe in God, I pray to God but am not conforming to a religion, am an atheist..." are among the reactions I got. One told us to shut the fuck up if we will continue talking about religion. After I left, for some reason that conversation could not get out of my head. It then hit me that a staggering number of my queer friends simply do not give two shits about religious institutions. I realised that I had had this same conversation with almost ten other LGBTI persons and it all led back to one conclusion...fuck religion.

I am very aware that ten people is too little to come up with a conclusive decision, so lets look at statistics by the Pew Research Centre 2013 LBGTI Survey. On the number of LGBTI persons with a religious affiliation, only 1,197 as opposed to 31,062 heterosexuals had a religious affiliation. Of the six major religious institutions, 71% of LGBTI persons view religious institutions as unfriendly. 48% of LGBTI persons are of the view that the religious types have negative views toward homosexuality. 65% said that they seldom/never attend church weekly. And finally a staggering 88% of LGBTI persons are religiously unaffiliated.

Is it just me or  is there something terribly wrong here. In the Great Holy Book, didn't some wise ass say that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. That we are created in God's image. We are all children of this good God, and only God can judge us. Then why is it that it feels like religious institutions are only for heterosexual people?

Me thinks that, we are gravely misunderstood, religious institutions are full of "in the name of Jesus" kind of hypocrites. The kind who are too afraid to confront reality that the hide behind scripture. Stoning us, with cursing eyes. I thought we are ALL children of God, that only He can judge us, then why are there so many gods among men who will self righteously shun you from a place of worship because of your sexuality?

I think that we have a long way to go in terms of LGBTI acceptance but the one place you should feel safe because the world is a cold and brutal place, turn you away with religious hypocrisy. Its a pity because the good book also says "that he, without sin should cast the first stone."

Queer pt.2

Gay,
Lesbian,
Bisexual,
 Straight,
 All this are labels,
Put in place by nature,
For us to feel like we belong,
 What happens when your born a boy,
 But you feel like a girl on the inside,
 A girl but your insides scream boy,
And perhaps,even worse, your born with both,
 What happens to our fellow trans and intersex persons,
Because of our hypocrisy we shun them,
Because we judge what we dont understand we cast them,
Stone them with harsh words and dagger eyes,
We look at them as mentally challenged,
Was the Lord crazy when he created them,
 I mean,arent you religious types always in our faces with God creating us in his image,
 When we look at ourselves we should see God's reflection,
Right?
 So what happens when your queer,
 When society cant place you,
Fingers are pointing at you,
Forgetting that three point right back,
Empathy,
 Before you spit on someone in disgust,
 Put yourself in their shoes,
 And ask,
What if you were different?



Listen to same love by ryan lewis ft. mary lambert

Soul mates

There are certain people you meet, They cross your path so unexpectedly, But when you do, Everything from music to your random obsession with stripped colourful socks, You have in common, Its strange to meet such people, Because it feels almost scripted, Your bubble is burst with a pop sound, When there is that one flaw about them, That overshadows the greater good, You want to look past it, But its one of those things that will, And i emphasize will always be an issue, So what to do is the question? Listen to come around by stars go dim

of introverts and other things...

Just because I talk alot doesnt mean am an extrovert,
 Just because am social doesnt mean am an extrovert,
 Just because am not a shy,closed off bookworm doesnt mean am an extrovert,
 People need to stop conforming to mediocre definitions,
 I  could be going through hell on the inside,
 Doesnt mean am supposed to wear it on my sleeve,
 For the whole world to see,
 Fuck! a psychic, through some telepathic powers am to imagine what your going through,
 I am never in the mood to see people all of the time,
 But just because i feel that way doesnt mean i have to act like it,
 Being an introvert doesnt mean being cold,
 Being an ice queen,Being so closed off even you,dont get you,
 All you are is an ostrich,
 Your head is stuck in the sand most of the time,
 But eventually you come out,
 And in that moment,
 Dont be a bitch about it,
 Let us take care of you,
 Love you,hold you,smoother you,
 UNTIL YOU PUT YOUR HEAD BACK IN THE SAND....


Listen to summertime sadness by lana del rey.

Queer!!

Sitting in class waiting for the lecturer to come in, as always i have my earphones on jamming to some Ed Sheeran. There is a moment I remove my earphones and I hear the word gay amidst peoples conversation. It definitely catches my attention so I listen in. I have a classmate of mine who is a staunch muslim. By muslim I mean the full works,prayers, quran, heena, buibui things. She is cool, cool in my book because i have never interacted that closely with a muslim before and ended up friends. I also have another classmate who is muslim but only by virture of her last name. She does not conform to her religion at all. So the arguement on queer people begins between the two of them. It gets pretty heated as they are both on the opposite side of the queer support. I am careful not to jump in because I believe in choosing your battles and this one was one I knew I couldnt win. In the heat of the debate the staunch muslim blurts out "gay people are dogs". You can only imagine the silence that befell the room. I think the not so staunch one couldnt believe what she had just heard so she says "oh!did you mean doggy style". At that moment I burst out laughing because am very aware of homophobia, it exists but comparing queers to dogs is abit unnecessary in my book. So the arguement goes on and at a point the staunch muslim blurts out "and i never want to see a gay person in my life". Aaaaaawwwwwkward!!!!!!! Am sitting across from her and in my head am like "dude am gay,your looking at me now,its not like you have turned into stone or something." Most of you will ask why i did not stand up for my fellow queers. I have a couple of reasons:first of all, I believe that the people you come out to is a personal choice and in the event you coming out to people will make your life unbearable then i dont think its worth it. In this case, me and staunch muslim are friends, for the most part i would probably say we are the most alike, we get along, me coming out to her in a bid to defend queers will change the way we relate. I will be reduced to that gay girl, everything else about me will not really matter because "gays are dogs" right. Second, I have my own reservations toward this religious types(blog for another day),argueing with someone who is so deeply entrenched in religion is actually a lost cause for me, its not worth it, because of how close minded the religious types can be. Third,people always judge things they do not understand. I will however,slowly but surely educate her that being gay doesnt define who you are, its a part of who you are. Listen to same love by ryan lewis ft. mary lambert

of music and other things..

Music is one of those controversial topics because believes that they listen to only the best. While that may be true, I believe that there are several things that create a person who actually appreciates good music. 1.Mainstream things Yes,this is a shout out to all y'all bendover people. Mainstream is basically those people who do not know any other music except boogie,matatu or kiss 100 related music. I have nothing against such but if your going to claim your a music guru then you need to dig deeper, to the roots, passed the maistream. I do appreciate some mainstream music but it fades away because of over playing. 2.Lyrical content A song will never do it for me if the words dont make sense to me. Shout out to all you hiphop peeps. Some hiphop is actually amazing,nas,lupe fiasco, drake and king of my heart kendrick, but some is down right ratchet. All the songs that objectify women, make us look like all we are good for is big tits and booties, like al we amount to is being called sluts and bitches. And our vaginas made to feel like the best it can do is sell love to another man. Am too feminist for the lack of lyrical content that is some music. I have to be able to relate, like the words are speaking to me, almost as if the song was written with my situation in mind. 3.Instrumentals This for me varies from the crazy loud goodness that is EDM, or the soulful Rnb, or the heavy metal guitars in rock music. For me instruments play a very significant role in my enjoyment of music. If it sounds too gangstar or like people are banging on sufurias eeeeeh!!!boss zima muziki tafadhali. There is a fine line, a delicate balance between good lyrical content and amazing instrumentals, and thats what does it for me.

Secrets

You know its a good story when it begins with "that bitch.....", you know its an even better story when there is a dramatic flare, we all love to gossip, the forbidden fruit tastes sweetest, the more clandestine the story the jucier, people literally dont notice time go by, because the juice from this fruit oh!so succulent, what slips the mind is that after the fruit is done, your're left with a secret, a burden, to shut the fuck up, but you just want to share how sweet the juice is, in that slight moment of weakness, you blurt it out, even high five on it, it almost feels good to let this burden go, until it bites you in the ass, for not shutting the fuck up, secrets!!oh how we cant live with them, nor without them, shake of the insincere give all your secrets away. Listen to secrets by one republic

Inspiration!!!

i feel like i have been stuck, stuck in a bubble, maybe trapped, trapped in a notion, have been searching for some form of inspiration, but i have been stuck, in this confused spot, that you draw inspiration from those closest to you, today i took a leap of faith, i stepped out of that bubble, have never been more inspired, i needed today, because i dared to step out, and wow!felt like a breeze on a hot stuffy day, felt like a sip of cold lager after a long day, felt like i could rule the world for that brief moment, i stepped out and got my inspiration, i look foward to bursting this bubble, coz damn!finding inspiration feels amaaaaaazing!!!!!

Lanes!!!!

sometimes when your on the highway, the fast lane, you could swerve from side to side, most of the time its alright, but sometimes you may stride, you may fall out of line, several cars pass by, and this stride will cause a crash, maybe change,maybe indifference,maybe evasive, but whatever happens, this stride only lasts only for a while, it may bruise a little, or alot, but hash!hash!my child, hurt is healed with time, the bruising will leave scaring, but thats just a reminder of what you shouldnt return to, so wipe those tears, dust yourself off, it may take a while but, its essential to keep your lane, because only then, will you appreciate where you lie, in other people's lives....

Just for a while

sometimes do you feel like you just want a break from your own life, just for a while, to somehow morph out of your body and take a breather, sometimes things get so overwhelming, just for a while, an out of body experience, where you can laugh,make merry,dance,be happy, just for a while, a time out of sorts, where you get lost in your own euphoria,in your dreams and perhaps your nightmares, just for a while, ul be back but for a few moments all you want, is a break from your life, just for a while.