gay and proud...not?

I had a crazy weekend, minus the fact that it was my 23rd birthday I met new gay people which got me thinking. Would I leave this country so that I can be openly gay?

I ask this because I met a very beautiful man. Yes! people beautiful and man go hand in hand when it comes to this particular guy. When I saw him I thought right of the bat that he is transgender and I proceeded to ask him if he is trans but he told me that he is very gay...lol! Trust me he was very gay, make up,leggings,girls jacket..the full works.
I am not stereotypically gay. Like I very easily pass off for straight. Minus my new hair cut you would not think I am gay. I do not consider myself closeted... I have come out to people who matter in my life except my family because that is too crazy, I will deal with it when I deal with it. When I saw him he automatically made me feel like it is ok to be myself. It is ok to be gay and proud and be comfortable in my own skin. Hell! He was a man with make up...how more gay and proud could you be?

But I cannot seem to get to that place where I check into a space and exude gay pride because of the stigma attached with being gay in Kenya. First of all, it is illegal in accordance with the law, so being open and proud to love who you love is really really hard without constantly looking over your shoulder or sneaking around.

Second, Kenya is in a weird space where people have choosen not to talk about it and look the other way. Even us gays are cowering away because of fear of stigma and the law. I believe that for a revolution to happen we require critical mass to change and educate minds on homosexuality. It is not sex it is sexuality.

All this always makes me wonder if I had the chance to leave my beautiful country just to be openly gay...would I? Would I leave everybody I love, all I have ever known just to be me, to be free? Or should I stick around and fight to form the critical mass? Fight not for me but for my kids to be free and love who they love.

what just happened...

Eeeeermm!!
We are friends,
We are not,
I am not supposed to keep thinking about that kiss,
I was drunk,
I was not supposed to remember,
Hell! I was not meant to like it,
But I did,
And now I can't get you out of my mind,
It makes me wonder,
If you were what I was looking for,
What I am looking for,
Literally right in front of me,
But it was just a kiss,
Beautiful,
Sexy,
Full of emotion,
Gah!!get out of my head already,
We are friends....lol!!

When things get rough,
You are meant to adapt,
Shake off your pride and adapt,
But when the darkness feels more than the light,
That tunnel is so far out sight,
When hope starts fleeting,
Clutching,
Spent,
But you have to keep on keeping on,
Because all you have is,
STRENGTH!!!

missings...

I remember the first time I had you,
An instantenous mood lift,
What had I been missing?
Fuck!it was you all along,
The void in my soul,
Filled with happy,
Free,
You always stretched your hand when I needed you,
Comforted me,
Loved me,
Made me feel good,
Invincible,
Now your are gone,
I miss you,
I miss you so much,
I think about you all the time,
Wish you could stretch your hand,
Just one more time,
Dependency had become that thief at night,
An escape from what is right,
I have learnt to cope without you,
But I crave that hug,
That warmth,
That company you brought to my life,
But you are not good for me,
I know that now,
But missing you,
That is one thing I will always do...

Demons by imaginary dragons

straight girls..

There is definitely thrill, a rush of excitement, and some extra oomph when it comes to chasing a straight girl. You get sucked in the notion that you could possibly change her. Only if she gives you the chance to show her how beautiful the other side is. You get lost in the clouds, in the fantasy that you could wife the girl and make her gay. There is some misconception that straight girls and for purposes of this blog, bisexuals, bisexuals not because I feel like they are a bit slutty with the whole switch hit thing but because at the end of it all they will get married to a man, why? You ask...well!!! Because they can. Wow!!! I am side tracking...anyway the misconception is that straight girls have a little lesbian in them tucked in somewhere. All we need to do is flick that switch and boom!!! She is gay.

I have been a victim of this and it literally feels like a dog chasing its own tail, we all know how that ends. However, bitterness aside...lol!!!...there are a few lessons I picked from the straight girl chasing mess.

Number one; stick to your guns. By this I mean, I swore on my grandpa's grave that I would never let myself get trapped in a straight woman's spell. I constantly kept reminding myself that it is not worth it every time I let my mind go astray. And there I was falling deeper and deeper for this straight girl but once I snapped out of it I realised I should have stuck to my "no falling for straight girls" rule and I would be one heart break short.

Number two; straight girls are just that straight...period!!!! No amount of wooing, coaxing, convincing, witchcraft, prayer will ever turn them gay. Once in a while they will dip into the gay pool but it’s for experiments sake. Do not hold your breath and expect that they will eventually come out to you and thank you for turning them.

Number three; it is a bit harsh but straight girls should never be taken seriously. They will not want to break your heart so they will keep on going with the flow. The baby's, I miss you's, I love you too's will be there is plenty. Do not under any circumstance let yourself get carried away. It is a facade and they will eventually break your heart. Totally not worth it.'

Finally lesson number four. You can never compete with dick. If the bitch wants dick there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Get your mind off dildo's and vibrator's that is not dick that is a sex toy. Straight girls are just that straight do not fall into that trap. Take it from me...IT IS NOT WORTH IT...

Its all your fault by pink

Beautifully broken...

Happy but cannot stop crying,
Sad but cannot stop smiling,
Hopeful but hopeless,
Cheerful but gloomy,
Love and hate,
Positivity and negativity,
Filled with mixed emotion,
Head spinning around and around,
Thoughts flooding my mind,
Good,
Bad,
Resentful,
Angry,
Wish I could snap out of this,
But that is not how it works,
I have to feel the pain to deal with it,
No longer numb,
No longer escaping,
No longer running ,
But facing it is easier said than done,
Feels like dancing with the devil,
Sat directly in the pits of hell,
Happy one day broken the next,
Hopeful for that light but engulfed by darkeness,
Behind my smile is emotional debris,
Beautifully Broken!!!