Spaces and Voids...

there is a space inside us.

one that no matter how close

we get, this space can only

be filled by our own laughter

and our own sorrow. it is

something we cannot depend

on other people for. it is 

something we have to make

sense of by ourselves.

r.m.drake

Sometimes....

Sometimes reality gets really difficult
to wrap the mind around,
Sometimes to disappear
feels like the only solution,
Sometimes the future's bleakness
needs a shining light,
Sometimes that light gets too bright,
To crawl into bed and not move
is a feeling that can overwhelm,
Sometimes apathy takes over emotion
so fucked up is your life lens,
Sometimes death feels so warm
so welcoming...so cuddly,
Sometimes to flirt with the idea
feels electrifying,
Feels valid,
Feels like a solution
That noose on your neck
those pills in hand
Sometimes expectation and reality don't add up,
Sometimes life as you know it takes fucked up turns,
Sometimes it is ok to feel
the fuck out of your feelings,
Sometimes to let go
and flow
to unclench that fist of control
is to acknowledge strength within,
Sometimes to mess up, fuck up and pray for death to
come for us
is to acknowledge our humanity...

What am I doing...

what am I doing,

what am I doing,

damnit!!! what am I doing,

the way you look at me,

so intense,

like I am the only girl in your world...

the bubble created,

so beautiful,

so chaotic...

the way you touch me,

my body craves,

time a frail concept,

reality you cock blocking bastard,

I want to run away,

the attraction though,

so beautiful,

so chaotic...

what am I doing....

What am I?

So I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I haven't felt like it, partly because writers block.
So this weekend I was with a friend of mine who is a friend of a lady I am crushing on big time. I have a healthy approach toward rejection or rather I have cultivated a healthy response to rejection nowadays. So I ask my friend what her friend thinks of me. Simply because I am not a believer in expending time, effort and game on somebody who is not feeling my vyb.

My friend proceeds to tell me.."she is feeling you BUT she is not sure what you are..."
Uuuuuummmmmm!!! I have ranted before about labels and assumed roles but this is not that blog.
So I ask my friend, what does that mean? She replies, "she is confused as to whether you're a girl or a boy?"
Again *insertwideeyes* eeeeeeeeeerrrrrrmmmm!!!!!
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm!!!!
Aheeeem!!!



For once in my life I was left tongue tied, like zero come back.

I know that I am generally a really difficult person to place. I do not present strictly butch or femme. My friends call me a stem or futch but for some weird reason those labels just don't feel like me.
One thing I am not though is a boy...lol!! I could identify as cisgender meaning that I identify as female the sex I was assigned at birth.

She is straight rather straight identifying/bi curious, so I will forgive her for the insensitive terminology of "boy." The problem with heterosexuality is the binary representation of everything. There is this problematic feeling that someone has to be the "man" and the other the "woman" in the relationship, and because I do not come off like strictly girly or strictly tommy then that creates a breakdown in her minds eye of the binary notion that one of us has to be girly or boyish.


Get this though, I am not crushing on her because she is straight identifying, I am crushing on her because y'all need to see her, damn!!!she has the dykiest vyb ever, she is completely my type and she keeps my sapiosexual self pleased..complete mind fuck...sluuuuurp!!! Anyway, I digress...she also raised the question that she just does not get how lesbians have sex, because according to her that is foreplay. Again for someone who identifies and has always been straight, sex is pretty much dick in vagina kinda thing. The binary that is heterosexuality, then fails to appreciate sex as so many other things and not just physical penetration. I have had sex with men before and trust me I know how easy it is to literally just lie there get banged and orgasm on cue. It is so easy to be mentally absent because of the notion that being penetrated is the only thing sex is about.



Anyway, this is one of those blogs without much going on direction wise...lol!
But what am I?
I am a girl,
A fierce woman tryna conquer the world with lipstick, mascara and converse,
A feminist,
Health rights advocate,
A woman who has sex with women,
Cisgender identifying as lesbian who is still soooooo confused about labels....