Today is not that day...

Forgiveness...a word so often thrown around...
so difficult to conceptualize...
A beautiful word in theory,
a gut wrenching one in practice...
That stupid wise guy...
"Forgiveness releases you and not the offender..."
"It saves you from pain..."
"It is most certainly not a free pass to the offender..."
you say...
But why does it feel like it is indeed a free pass...
Tears so bitter not salty anymore...
Anxiety the norm...
You broke a part of me...
You took away something from me that I will never get back,
you fucked with my trust...over and over and over and over...
In your eyes, I amount to nothing...
a worthless piece of shit riddled with pessimism and anger,
Yet the craving for your approval overwhelms my thoughts...
keeps me alive hoping that one day I will receive a "job well done"
Is there anything I will ever do that will receive praise?
Why is it that you are the one who fucked up but I am feeling
worse than you ever will?
How can loyalty be a choice for you and yet you birthed me...
you aint loyal... you aint loyal... you aint fucking loyal...
I protected you...even when I knew it was the wrong thing...
I made so many excuses for you...so tangled in my lies I was drowning...
All for you..you disloyal piece of shit...
It is easier for you to speck my eye yet yours filled with log...
You toyed with my emotions...took them for granted...you broke me...
Resentment...
Anger...
Doubt...
Sadness...
Darkness...
Darkness...
Darkness...
Forgiveness you say?
Maybe I will one day...
but today is not that day...