Days Like This...

Holy Fuck!It's freezing...
I am having a really hard day...
A triggering day...
You know those kinds of days when half of you is at optimum performance
the other completely zoned out...
Today is one of those days if I still smoked ciggys I would be down a pack...
Today is one of those days when my local is calling me by all three names...
Today is one of those days you wonder how life got this fucked up this quickly...
Today is one of those days when I have cried in intervals of 3 minutes
if I let go I wunt stop crying...
Today is one of those days I am surprised I haven't killed over with anxiety
big thanks to movement and meditation...
Days like this test your resilience...
I wonder who's keeping score because I need to tell them that mental illness has won...AGAIN!!!!
Two partners...a year apart..same exact prescription pill overdose...
Mother...six years later...same alcoholic script...same depression cast...exact same outcome...
Me?...trying not to have a nervous breakdown...
Maybe in the end things will play out the way they will play out...
I cannot control the outcome...
Maybe that's what this year should be about...acceptance...
Accepting that outcomes are not mine to control...