I had an amazing weekend. It was one that I honestly did not see coming but it was such a pleasant surprise. I was at the Nest, an arts organisation for rewind-fastfoward, a theatre forum gig. I got to interact with a group of different yet very dynamic minds and it was such a breathe of fresh air seeing as I had really been craving a different kind of chill plan.
I was talking to a friend of mine basically about how hard it is to come out and the kind of personal demons you have to overcome. And she said something that resonated in my mind. She said, "I always used to ask myself why I have a boyfriend but he feels like a brother?"
This statement almost immediately answered why I struggled so much with men and sustaining a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with men. I am not a man-basher, man-hater whatever you want to call it. Besides my closest friends are men. I cannot look you with a straight face and tell you that when I used to have sex with men I hated it.
In that moment I realised what the problem was, I was never emotionally present. For any relationship to succeed in my opinion you have to be emotionally and physically present. You can be physically compatible with almost anybody but emotional connection is of fundamental importance. Atleast for me anyway. When I was still accepting my sexuality I went on a man-bender. I was literally trying to fill a void, excuse my French, with dick. I was trying to force myself to believe that sex with men is ok even though my mind was never in it. I battled with wondering how I could be having so much sex but not have any emotional connection. I cried and beat myself up so much because I thought I was broken. Why were all my girl friends so emotionally entangled with the men they were having sex with but for me I felt nothing. I was never emotionally present.
This may be one of the answers to the question "why you cannot pray the gay away." When I had sex again this time when I had accepted my sexuality with a woman I felt things. I felt my pussy juices flowing,my nipples erect, my body quiver with every orgasm. It was different this time, my mind was in it...I did not stray...all my attention and focus was on making her feel good...it was effortless...I was not trying too hard...I loved it.
I was talking to a friend of mine basically about how hard it is to come out and the kind of personal demons you have to overcome. And she said something that resonated in my mind. She said, "I always used to ask myself why I have a boyfriend but he feels like a brother?"
This statement almost immediately answered why I struggled so much with men and sustaining a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with men. I am not a man-basher, man-hater whatever you want to call it. Besides my closest friends are men. I cannot look you with a straight face and tell you that when I used to have sex with men I hated it.
In that moment I realised what the problem was, I was never emotionally present. For any relationship to succeed in my opinion you have to be emotionally and physically present. You can be physically compatible with almost anybody but emotional connection is of fundamental importance. Atleast for me anyway. When I was still accepting my sexuality I went on a man-bender. I was literally trying to fill a void, excuse my French, with dick. I was trying to force myself to believe that sex with men is ok even though my mind was never in it. I battled with wondering how I could be having so much sex but not have any emotional connection. I cried and beat myself up so much because I thought I was broken. Why were all my girl friends so emotionally entangled with the men they were having sex with but for me I felt nothing. I was never emotionally present.
This may be one of the answers to the question "why you cannot pray the gay away." When I had sex again this time when I had accepted my sexuality with a woman I felt things. I felt my pussy juices flowing,my nipples erect, my body quiver with every orgasm. It was different this time, my mind was in it...I did not stray...all my attention and focus was on making her feel good...it was effortless...I was not trying too hard...I loved it.
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