Internalized Homophobia

ho·mo·pho·bi·a

ˌhōməˈfōbēə/

noun: homophobia

 dislike of or prejudice against homosexual people.

This is not a blog about heteronormative homophobia.

I have been closeted for most of my life. I came out last year but what has been my focal point of late is why it took me so long. Minus the obvious societal, religious stigma the thing that struck me the most was that I did not come out because of my own internalized homophobia.

Internalized homophobia simply stated is self prejudice because you are gay. You dislike yourself for being gay and therefore translates to hatred for the queer family as a whole.

Being gay for me was synonymous with lots of heartache, depressed feelings and a general lack of freedom, freedom from myself. I have been reading lots of articles lately on internalized homophobia and the impact it has not only to you but to the rest of the queer community.

I remember the first time a friend of mine came out and the reaction to his coming out was nothing less than a disaster. I was part of the hazing and bullying and eventual ex communication from the "circle." At the time it did not occur to me that prejudice against myself caused me not to speak up and defend him. It only pushed me further into the closet.

Internalized homophobia caused me to never want to be seen or be heard to be around queer folk. I developed weird dodgy behavior of having two sets of friends, hetero group and homo group, and this two groups could never meet, not even if my life depended on it. I could never publicly go to queer parties because I truly hated the fact that I was gay. It bothered me more than you can imagine.

I was what people will stereotype as butch in my first year of campus but the moment people began associating me with a known dyke in campus, I quickly transformed into a 'femme' so that I could straight act, so that nobody could associate me with being queer. I had so many relationships with men, just so that people could label me straight and not for a second confused me with a dyke. I went to extreme lengths to cover up my gay vyb just because of internalized homophobia. I had several relationships, flings, hook ups with ladies but not even my closet friends could suspect. The most I was to them was bi curious or a LUG(lesbian until graduation).

I have in the past one and a half years come a long way. I assumed that once I publicly come out (which I did shit drunk...btw!!!lol) that my internalized homophobia would automatically disappear. It only became worse, because coming out meant that I had more and more queer folk around me. It has taken a lot of self acceptance to eradicate for the most part my own internalized homophobia. Chilling with my queer peeps has become extremely easy, I now introduce them to my hetero friends, I am no longer ashamed of myself and the queer community by extension.

The irony is that, being around queer folk or rather openly gay people in my country has pushed me off that self hatred tangent. Being around people who are open and proud to be gay has helped me a whole lot. I wish I could give them a shout out here but that is outting, I do not out people. Just know that you were extremely pivotal in my self discovery journey and I will always be grateful.

That being said, internalized homophobia is real and far much worse than heteronormative homophobia. Self hatred and prejudice can cripple you, it sucks the life out of you and in turn the queer community. It takes away from freedom of self and stifles self expression. I still have a shit long way to go in my self discovery journey. But I can attest to the fact that it gets easier, it indeed does get better.