I was in heaven over the weekend. Yup! you read right... I was in heaven.
The religious intolerant construct of heaven being somewhere past the skies and hell being somewhere below us does not register in my mind. A heap of re-purposed bovine waste is what I like to call it.
This week marks a lot of things for me but the most important mark of this week is that it has been a year since I divorced the church.
A lot of things have happened this year that has pushed me further away from the church and the religious constraint that I have suffered all of my life. I use suffer because my faith has never been my own. My faith has been imposed by my mother, the religious dominance I have undergone all through my school years, the persecution that I have suffered at the hand of those wielding the name of god, the lack of queer support the very church I profess my faith to cannot condone after all "I am the agent of the devil," they say.
I was brought up in a very conflicted space where one parent was a religious nazi, the other an atheist. I however began to question the position of the church in my life once I came out. It occurred to me very quickly that the space I go to every Sunday like the good christian girl I was raised to be, the space that would have me part with money in the name of tithe and giving back to Caesar, the space that would leave me feeling more a sinner than worthy, the space that preaches god hates homos...leviticus this...genesis that, fags are depraved scum of the earth. All this got me questioning why I would give one day in the week to a body that would shun me the moment they found out I was gay.
The first few months were hard. I was riddled with guilt and feelings of being unworthy because god did not love me. How can they love someone who cannot give even a few hours a week to praise and give thanks blah!blah!!!! I even used to wait for the moment when lightning will strike me..lol!! I was also expecting that life as I know it would turn for the worst and I would suffer endless torment until the day I went back to church...lol!!
My year away from the church has taught me a couple of things about myself. One, heaven is indeed on earth. I was there yesterday. I experienced heaven all weekend in the most serene environment with the most amazing people I realized that if I keep holding on to this construct of heaven being an unattainable place in the sky then I miss the moments on earth that make life heavenly.
Two, I have been outsourcing my strengths to a being that was brought to Africa by missionaries. My life away from the church has never been better. For the most part of the year I was in a beautiful relationship...with a woman. My self confidence has doubled. My ability to hold down a job exists...lol!! My ability to be patient and resilient has come through this year. I am a better person than I was a year ago. My reasoning is that without that default being to lean on as we are brainwashed to believe, I began to lean on myself for all the things I prayed that I wished I could be. My strengths were there all along, I was just too busy praying for strength than actually being strong.
Three, life is just that life. Where or not I am a prayerful woman is irrelevant. My journey is my journey and I am the only one standing in my way. It is not bad luck or other people's fault, it's all me. My ability to succeed or fail is solely determined by me and the possibilities I create for myself. I know this sounds a bit preachy and cliche..lol!!!
Four, I am definitely not going back to that place they call holy. Because behind the word holy lies a whole lot of hate for queer folk, for people who are different. Because the word church, god, prayer, bible, pastor, priest have been used as weapons of persecution. I am done conforming to religious dogma and bigotry. I am done supporting a place that will never ever support someone like me.
The religious intolerant construct of heaven being somewhere past the skies and hell being somewhere below us does not register in my mind. A heap of re-purposed bovine waste is what I like to call it.
This week marks a lot of things for me but the most important mark of this week is that it has been a year since I divorced the church.
A lot of things have happened this year that has pushed me further away from the church and the religious constraint that I have suffered all of my life. I use suffer because my faith has never been my own. My faith has been imposed by my mother, the religious dominance I have undergone all through my school years, the persecution that I have suffered at the hand of those wielding the name of god, the lack of queer support the very church I profess my faith to cannot condone after all "I am the agent of the devil," they say.
I was brought up in a very conflicted space where one parent was a religious nazi, the other an atheist. I however began to question the position of the church in my life once I came out. It occurred to me very quickly that the space I go to every Sunday like the good christian girl I was raised to be, the space that would have me part with money in the name of tithe and giving back to Caesar, the space that would leave me feeling more a sinner than worthy, the space that preaches god hates homos...leviticus this...genesis that, fags are depraved scum of the earth. All this got me questioning why I would give one day in the week to a body that would shun me the moment they found out I was gay.
The first few months were hard. I was riddled with guilt and feelings of being unworthy because god did not love me. How can they love someone who cannot give even a few hours a week to praise and give thanks blah!blah!!!! I even used to wait for the moment when lightning will strike me..lol!! I was also expecting that life as I know it would turn for the worst and I would suffer endless torment until the day I went back to church...lol!!
My year away from the church has taught me a couple of things about myself. One, heaven is indeed on earth. I was there yesterday. I experienced heaven all weekend in the most serene environment with the most amazing people I realized that if I keep holding on to this construct of heaven being an unattainable place in the sky then I miss the moments on earth that make life heavenly.
Two, I have been outsourcing my strengths to a being that was brought to Africa by missionaries. My life away from the church has never been better. For the most part of the year I was in a beautiful relationship...with a woman. My self confidence has doubled. My ability to hold down a job exists...lol!! My ability to be patient and resilient has come through this year. I am a better person than I was a year ago. My reasoning is that without that default being to lean on as we are brainwashed to believe, I began to lean on myself for all the things I prayed that I wished I could be. My strengths were there all along, I was just too busy praying for strength than actually being strong.
Three, life is just that life. Where or not I am a prayerful woman is irrelevant. My journey is my journey and I am the only one standing in my way. It is not bad luck or other people's fault, it's all me. My ability to succeed or fail is solely determined by me and the possibilities I create for myself. I know this sounds a bit preachy and cliche..lol!!!
Four, I am definitely not going back to that place they call holy. Because behind the word holy lies a whole lot of hate for queer folk, for people who are different. Because the word church, god, prayer, bible, pastor, priest have been used as weapons of persecution. I am done conforming to religious dogma and bigotry. I am done supporting a place that will never ever support someone like me.
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