Unpredictable

Unpredictability has always made me uncomfortable,
Certainty is something I chase,
Something I live for,
I always want to know what will happen next,
Unpredictability I am learning to embrace you,
I am fighting myself to trust you,
To go with the flow,
One minute I am extatic the next broken,
One week I am pumped and have energy the next lethargic,
One second I am elated the next I want to hide,
One month hope fills my soul the next thoughts of death plague me,
Unpredictability you have been unkind to me,
I perceive you as the enemy,
I wonder if things were certain would I approach things differently or would I do the same things over and over again expecting a different result,
The roller coaster that is my life feels not worth it,
It will make me stronger they say,
It is in your past they say,
It will get better they say,
Temporary this moment is,
Forever is waiting...
what if I don't want forever...
What if I don't want strength,
What if I just want to cry like an infant...
have someone sooth me like a toddler,
What if just for a moment I could be raw,
emotional,trusting,open...
What if just for a moment I could have a glimpse of certainty,
Just for a moment have the rollercoaster ride pause...
Unpredictability I will eventually embrace you...
but right now I hate you...