I might as well just blog...

Sooooooo I am sitting at my local bar...
Minding my own business...as usual...
Having my favorite lager...
Listening to some reggae music...
For some weird reason the past three weeks have had me crave reggae music...
I am on my phone...obviously on Instagram..
I am tired though...
tired of looking at people's pictures...
tired of having that "is this an accurate reflection of their lives" debate in my mind...
So I thought...
I might as well blog...beer and ciggy in hand...
Should I blog about this random white guy who is so drunk...removes shirt to initiate a fight with the waiter...
No!!!let that amuse me..
There is very little to be amused about nowadays...
I think it's the darkness...again...
The very darkness I am constantly fighting...
Micro managing my mind...
That fine balance between temporary and permanent...
That fight to control a part of me that I am sure controls me...
Trying to be the bigger woman in a mental space that convinces me I am small...I am nothing
Self medicating...
Feelings of guilt plague me...
Apathy...regret...nothingness...
Darkness everywhere...
Light!!Oh!!!Light where at thou....
Is this fight even worth it?...
Then that reminder that life is worth living...loving...embracing..
You are enough...just the way you are love...
You are perfect...
Special even worth it perhaps...
Back again to fucked up thoughts...
Isolation...misanthropy...sadness...tears that wont flow...
Back to happy...
What is happy anyway?
That elusive silver lining...
So let me just blog...
To get out of my head...
Or let me just stare at this random shirtless white guy...
Beer and ciggy in hand...
Let his drunken state amuse me..
Have me laugh quietly to myself for the rest of the week...
There is almost nothing amusing nowadays...
So I might as well just blog...