In 2013, I wrote this blog, http://www.webofbutchdreams.blogspot.com/2013/08/of-identity-and-other-things.html. At the time I only knew like two lesbians at most, I was kinda out, one foot in the closet the other out kinda thing. But one thing I knew for sure is that I really struggled with placing myself in one category/label.
Fast forward to today and I swear I cannot be around my friends and the labeling topic does not come up. It comes up in the most heated of ways, people get so emo and angry about being "labeled". Conclusion always being, can't I be who I am and love who I love without being labeled?
Now, between August of 2013 and today I have really grown. You know that I am gay,so what?..fuck off type of growth..that kind. I am still the same girl who loves me my lipstick and converse but I have a somewhat different approach to this being labeled thing.
I think the problem is not the labeling, I think the problem is looking at things as if they are not connected. For you to be labeled as something there must be an origin. So where did the various labels come from? I think that by the time you look at me and decide that I am butch, femme, androgynous, chapstick, lipstick, stem, stud, pillow princess....yup!!that list is endless...you must using a reference of something you have seen, read or heard.
Let's make this political shall we, when you Google what kind of a lesbian you are, many sites will pop up some even have the pleasure of giving you a quiz..lol!! One thing you need to note, is the source of the answers, the are all Western concepts. Do not confuse this with the bullshit notion that homosexuality is a Western construct, it is the language they use as a culture. The fact that they have this labels means they are actually girls that fall into those categories. We cannot try and act like the things we do, do not have some sort of Western influence (this may piss some people off). So when someone labels you butch for example, they are referring to all the butch women they see on tv/read/heard about and automatically perceive you as butch and subsequently label you as butch...theeeeen you get pissed of that people are "giving you labels." Woooooooow!!!!You very special human being who wants to exist in a space without labels.
The solution for this you ask? If "western" labels are getting your panties in a bunch, how about you create labels that appeal to you and the culture you are from. You can keep on heckling and complaining that you don't do labels but that is one thing that is unavoidable. Labels exist so as to help people identify/relate with each other. A world without labels would be extremely confusing. And here I am not talking only people labels, think about a supermarket filled with products none of them having a single label on...fucking confusing.So instead of fighting and demonizing the label, create one that makes you feel like yourself but that label free thing, that is just a delusion that you need to snap out of.
Let's shift the conversation to labels and presumed roles. Now, here is where the problem checks in. The label is not the problem, the problem is the attached roles these labels come with. They may be gender roles, financial roles, sex play roles etc. For example, I tend to be the more dominant person when it comes to sex. A recent partner decided to label my dominance as being a top and subsequently this meant to her that it is my role as a top to pleasure her and not vice versa because she is a bottom or rather she labels herself a bottom. My problem is not the label bottom, my problem is the assumption that because she is a bottom then she has no role in sexing me. Or because I am butch and my partner is femme for example, then I am expected to hold down all the financial responsibility type of thing.
My argument basically is, we need to stop being angry at labels. We need to be angry at the roles that these labels come with. We need to learn how to separate these two worlds of labels and roles.
These roles are a social construct, made by people like you and me. The very people so vexed by labels are the very same people who live out those roles every single day. The world made these roles, and the world has the responsibility to change it.
We need to be so angry that we begin to REDEFINE and UNPACK these assumed, stereotypical, misconceived, mythical and heteronormative roles.We need to be so angry that life as we know it stops being a fulfillment of "expected roles" but a live and let live...
Fast forward to today and I swear I cannot be around my friends and the labeling topic does not come up. It comes up in the most heated of ways, people get so emo and angry about being "labeled". Conclusion always being, can't I be who I am and love who I love without being labeled?
Now, between August of 2013 and today I have really grown. You know that I am gay,so what?..fuck off type of growth..that kind. I am still the same girl who loves me my lipstick and converse but I have a somewhat different approach to this being labeled thing.
I think the problem is not the labeling, I think the problem is looking at things as if they are not connected. For you to be labeled as something there must be an origin. So where did the various labels come from? I think that by the time you look at me and decide that I am butch, femme, androgynous, chapstick, lipstick, stem, stud, pillow princess....yup!!that list is endless...you must using a reference of something you have seen, read or heard.
Let's make this political shall we, when you Google what kind of a lesbian you are, many sites will pop up some even have the pleasure of giving you a quiz..lol!! One thing you need to note, is the source of the answers, the are all Western concepts. Do not confuse this with the bullshit notion that homosexuality is a Western construct, it is the language they use as a culture. The fact that they have this labels means they are actually girls that fall into those categories. We cannot try and act like the things we do, do not have some sort of Western influence (this may piss some people off). So when someone labels you butch for example, they are referring to all the butch women they see on tv/read/heard about and automatically perceive you as butch and subsequently label you as butch...theeeeen you get pissed of that people are "giving you labels." Woooooooow!!!!You very special human being who wants to exist in a space without labels.
The solution for this you ask? If "western" labels are getting your panties in a bunch, how about you create labels that appeal to you and the culture you are from. You can keep on heckling and complaining that you don't do labels but that is one thing that is unavoidable. Labels exist so as to help people identify/relate with each other. A world without labels would be extremely confusing. And here I am not talking only people labels, think about a supermarket filled with products none of them having a single label on...fucking confusing.So instead of fighting and demonizing the label, create one that makes you feel like yourself but that label free thing, that is just a delusion that you need to snap out of.
Let's shift the conversation to labels and presumed roles. Now, here is where the problem checks in. The label is not the problem, the problem is the attached roles these labels come with. They may be gender roles, financial roles, sex play roles etc. For example, I tend to be the more dominant person when it comes to sex. A recent partner decided to label my dominance as being a top and subsequently this meant to her that it is my role as a top to pleasure her and not vice versa because she is a bottom or rather she labels herself a bottom. My problem is not the label bottom, my problem is the assumption that because she is a bottom then she has no role in sexing me. Or because I am butch and my partner is femme for example, then I am expected to hold down all the financial responsibility type of thing.
My argument basically is, we need to stop being angry at labels. We need to be angry at the roles that these labels come with. We need to learn how to separate these two worlds of labels and roles.
These roles are a social construct, made by people like you and me. The very people so vexed by labels are the very same people who live out those roles every single day. The world made these roles, and the world has the responsibility to change it.
We need to be so angry that we begin to REDEFINE and UNPACK these assumed, stereotypical, misconceived, mythical and heteronormative roles.We need to be so angry that life as we know it stops being a fulfillment of "expected roles" but a live and let live...
A person wants to know what type of lesbian I am..why. I understand the need to relate and identify with people but what is so horrifying about being your own person, being the gender that you feel and just being you,maybe you are the last unicorn..Personally I don't feel like I have to say I identify with this and that to make a person feel relatable to me. The people getting angry at labels probably don't like the idea of being put in a certain box which is limiting to them, let alone the misconceived roles they come with. They just want to be a person.
ReplyDeleteIs it the label that locks you down in a box or is it the assigned role that does that?
ReplyDeleteThe label is a scape goat for the bigger problem that is these roles we are meant to play out...that is what feels limiting.
Thing is that, you cannot look at labels only in the queer context.
Woman has a dictionary definition and a societal definition. If we took women in the Oxford dictionary context life as we know it would be a lot easier. However, the problem checks in when woman stops being an adult human female and becomes submission as a role for example.
Feminist is a belief in gender equality in political, social and economic spheres however, society makes feminists look like bitter, man hating, disgruntled people.
Mercedes Benz last I checked was a car but what connotation does driving a Merc come with? What expectation then is placed on you who drives a Merc as opposed to a Toyota for example? I may have no money but the car makes it look like kupeana chai is something you do as a hobby. The watchies will hustle you, that random guy you helps you reverse will hustle you, the street beggar will linger longer at your window, you will be treated with some form of privilege because of the car you drive. So is the problem the label Mercedes or is the problem the preconceived notions that the car comes with?
I am not invalidating the fact that you and many other people I know want to be label free, I am just stating that the bigger problem is these roles that society has assigned. The very roles we play out every single day then turn around and demonize the label.
People need to get out of societal ways of definition. That label does put a person in a box, roles or not.It is too small of a concept of what a person is. The people I'm attracted to is nowhere me being singularly a lesbian or a type of lesbian as the world has assumed as I am married to another female. So when someone out there stamps a person gay, lesbian, male or female without asking what the person is is a loud interpretation of binary prejudice. There is a whole lot of possibilities on the LGBTQI spectrum and the same people who are under that umbrella are still included in gender oppression of non-binary folk. It's not even about being label free.The struggle with the ones who are trying to be label free feel like what they are assumed to be is not who they are. A person is too diverse to be branded one thing or another. People who refuse to unlearn about this things will continue to treat other folks as non-existent, a myth and invalid.
DeleteAaaaah!!! I totally get what you mean by a label boxing you in. Never thought of it like that. Food for thought.
ReplyDeleteBut what next though?
I ask you that because for anything to change you require a critical mass of persons who think or have a somewhat similar mindset. It may be a long time coming before that happens but what can we begin doing now to unpack the binary mindset?
To begin demystifying these bogus roles, assumptions and labels.
It starts with anyone freeing themselves from gendered, social, cultural expectations basically.What next,maybe we get washrooms where everyone feels comfortable getting in :)
DeleteI believe people are not stupid, they definitely know and have felt the oppression that comes with these expectations, I think the question is how do you free yourself?
DeleteHow do you free yourself yet you have only been presented with one way of being? The binary way...
Yes!!! Toilet politics I call it...I don't experience discomfort but I know and empathize so much with the people I know who the binary bathroom structure is such a disservice to them.
What I always wonder though, is how gender neutral/gender non conforming bathrooms can be created yet people do not get the concept?
By not giving a fuck can be a good start :) Just because you have been presented in that one way of being doesn't mean it has to always be like that. Unlearning is a process it does not happen overnight I agree with that. Speaking about it and being comfortable as a person, loving yourself enough to accept yourself I think are ways of freeing oneself. Once there is visibility then people will get the concept of what we are talking about. I want people to know about cisgender priviledge and understand some things too
Delete